~M has decided that she can't continue - how do I feel.
A lot has happened in this last week.
Last Sunday I had cyber sex with H on Literotica. Although we went through all the moves it was strangely disappointing - I got aroused - very wet - but didn't feel engaged with the process. We played a control game but after the intensity of the feelings with ~M - it was avery poor second.
Initially I felt devastated by ~M's decision but have come to terms with it. She has been very generous with her advice. I got myself in a potentially dangerous place and I feel she didn't take advantage.
We have talked via email and I'm following up her suggestions.
One brilliant suggestion - the submissive site. That has been a real eye opener because that's where I discovered I might have experienced a submissive frenzy. There it describes the kind of frantic activity people go through witha love object (person). It was different with me - I wanted sexual release, to be told what to do - sexually, explicitly. I wanted the contact to last only as a means of sexual gratification - I think.
Reflecting on this new it seems a very male trait - to only want sex from a contact - so is that what I really wanted? May be I'm being naive again.......
Maybe the measure of that is the affection I now feel for ~M - as though she has become a good friend - someone I can share feelings - fears, concerns and joys with.
As I continue my journey perhaps things will become clearer. Perhaps others will read this and their comments help me understand myself better.
In the meantime I have turned to recording my sexual fantasises so I can publish them on Literotica. The first one has been submitted - based on my posts here - Caught Cybering. I'm waiting for this to be approved and published. I have another ready to upload - about the school janitor who blackmails me into sex with him as he has seen the YouPorn video, there's a third one in my head - about the janitor winning a bet with the pool man that he could get me to masturbate to orgasm in front of them.
I set up another session with the person I met in the Literotica chatroom - I emailed her the link to my favorite Literotica story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397157
She replied indicating she thought that was great - but when the time came to chat she didn't show up - second thoughts maybe - not surprising really - I was feeling a bit shaky about doing this for real - as it were.
I have assumed that what I do is masturbate while imagining that the person I'm chatting to is doing those things to me and then I tell them what I'm doing to them. This seems different from what I was doing with ~M - I wasn't masturbating, it was all head stuff.
Weird - I'll have to ponder that some more.
1. I have a pretty extensive blog... a lot of personal insights into what I like and the way that I think...
ReplyDeleteThat make me more real to you, and that may be why you didn't feel the same connection to hunni
2. control "games" are never the same as real control. It's so much more than just being bossy or mean, which some people don't understand.
To have someone who knows what you need even when you don't realize it yourself... a person who understands that you need to endure some suffering to get real pleasure. That's what makes all the difference.
3. she may have gotten stage fright. Being the dom means accepting responsibility for someone else. It also means garnering the respect and admiration of your sub. She may have felt too much pressure in trying to fulfill your fantasy...
well, these are all just opinions and suggestions, as usual... it takes time to figure it all out, and it sounds like your doing a fine job of reflecting on what you want and not rushing.