How does control work? – usually we give permission to others to control us “It’s your turn, you choose”.
This becomes more difficult if we desire something – then the other person exerts control maybe without even realising it, even the person being controlled may not be aware that is happening.

I logged on again and again and looked at the blog hoping to see my comment had been read – and if it had been read that my tentative approach for acceptance had been acknowledged and, beyond my wildest dreams, had been valued through a personal comment indicating some interest from the other person.

That this was a subtle form of control only dawned on me when I started to analyse why I couldn’t get sexual release through the usual and delicious means – I wasn’t in control.

Then I started to think about what might be behind this.

Had ~M controlled all this from the start?
It was chance that I found Jennifer’s stories, curiosity that led me to her blog and perhaps design that pulled me to ‘constant control’. Was the name the warning of the trap I was just to fall into – after all we expect warnings on most things nowadays.


Or is all of this in my imagination?

So what was I to do now? – if ~M has controlled all of this so far – by deliberately spacing her posts and comments so the longing (and the control) is stronger, then what?

I’ve gone back to the article I was reading earlier to se if there were any clues. In fact it made it worse as it explained what was happening to me.

It said:
“In actual circumstances, we often have to compromise our privacy with our wish
to maintain significant personal and social relationships. By letting emotions play a central role in our lives, we assent to being exposed to a certain extent; we relinquish some privacy in order to be able to live emotionally.”

But I thought sexual fantasies didn’t engage my emotions, after all the guilt I feel when I read erotic stories is less than eating a donut, so it must be something much deeper within me that is causing this dependency on approval from a stranger.

The article went on to explain what might be happening to me:
“Telling our secrets to someone may establish a friendship, but it also exposes our vulnerability. Thus, allowing another person to see us in a disgusting or humiliating situation is an indication that we consider this person to be our intimate and hence are willing to decrease our privacy”

– so was confessing to ~M my way of pleading with her - “Please be my friend?”

Janis Joplin sang “Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose”, so if I give …. (listen to me as if I have any choice about whether I have given control to ~M),

Start again – If I reveal everything will I be free?

Again reference to the article reveals another pearl: “Privacy is required when we have something to lose and hope that by keeping it private, the loss will be prevented. Our wish to keep something private indicates the presence of some conflict. Is such a conflict a necessary feature of our social life, or is it something we should aspire to overcome?”

The point I have now reached is wondering…. if none of this was intended have I just been guilty of sexually harassing ~M by my explicit comments on her blog and by inviting her to ‘follow’ mine.

And having said this have I just given her more control over me……..

I suppose I won’t know the answers to any of this until I log on again….
Just writing this has increased the arousal I’m experiencing – I didn’t think I could get any more excited without …., but that still hasn’t happened …

Oh, gosh another thought – may be I won’t be able to have an orgasm. I’ve read that in stories and scoffed – is it possible it might be happening to me and if so what happens next –

Perhaps I’ll just have another look and see if ~M is following.


Yes, yes, yes...........

She is waiting for me to invite her - my invitation didn't work.

I'm so hot and bothered that I'm not even thinking straight........