A New Kingdom?

Being described as an enigma took me by surprise… Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde and I understood the reference.

That I'm two women is much clearer to me now and, interestingly, there are very few people who see the two. Not even to my closest offline friends are there glimpses of the recently discovered submissive. But to one - a very new friend - both sides regularly appear and, worryingly, I can switch instantly between both personas.

I say 'worryingly' since the professional me - capable, skilled, assertive, professional, intelligent - is my safe zone where I am in control.

I'm not even sure this person is aware of how easily he can make me switch… it is just as well he is halfway round the world… to be that vulnerable is scary.
What is even more frightening, in a way, is that the trigger is not sexual. We have talked about personal values, films, strategies for the computer game we are playing and "BAM" I turn from someone with the brain the size of a planet (!) … superwoman into a gibbering idiot who has difficulty shutting the door on her own.
My only way of coping is to find some banal excuse to terminate the conversation.

What is the explanation? I feel a bond with this person; we have things in common - we share a propensity for completely misinterpreting what the other has said. We seem both to be sensitive souls who care deeply about our values.

Where is this taking me?

I had been puzzled by his reactions to some of my remarks and requests; worried about how I interacted with him…the Jekyll and Hyde thing is a light bulb moment.

As a submissive my main goal is to please. I realise that he triggered the submissive in me with certain phrases he uses naturally. His reaction suggests that he is not aware of their significance.

I realise now that this was happening by looking back at some of my reactions. I was devastatingly distressed by making mistakes. To be told I had caused problems, that I had written or said the wrong things provoked a deep visceral reaction… I felt sick and couldn’t stop sobbing.

For a while this paralysed me around him. Instinctively I dealt with it by creating two very different players in the game - as one persona I am confident and managing - I call myself Bossy Boots. This character works because I distance myself from him. The other persona has an overtly sexual name and flirts.

Where this will go I have no idea; the light bulb only lit up today.

Where am I now? Discovering that my submissiveness is not purely sexual is very threatening. Although I think I could entrust my life to him.

How do I feel? There is a connection between us. I think he is one of Life's Guides - there is something spiritual about him.

Am I besotted? Hell! No!

Is the connection both cerebral and sexual? Hell! Yes!

I am conflicted, truly and deeply conflicted now.

For the first time I have opened myself up to another person in a really deep way. The account of this experience is posted on another blog, mainly because I feel a deep seated need to distance my head from the rest of me..... Ok, yes I can say it now... from my cunt.

Please don't judge me too harshly.......

http://trapped-whoredomfromboredom.blogspot.com/

Tears for fears

This new year marks what seems to be another stage in my learning.

There are two aspects to this; I have gained insight into some of the cultural aspects of why I do and feel what I do; I have also had some experiences that have opened a window on other people and why they do what they do.
My thanks to my friend Lori for asking a question and providing a link to a debate that struck a chord… this led to my first revelation.

Hugo Schwyzer explores why women, young ones in particular, are still allowing themselves to be exploited; why there is still guilt and conflict associated with sexuality when feminism has changed opportunities for women.
http://m.jezebel.com/5686773/the-problem-with-being-sexy-but-not-sexual

My initial reaction to this was “Doh!…..” because we still live in a male dominated society.
Growing up, looking sexy equated with being a slut......something no-one wanted to be....so I never was....never did wear the shortest skirt, show any cleavage etc. But as soon as the pill was available it was virtually impossible for a submissive like me to say No... so every male I met who wanted to fuck me, did.
So conferences, nights out, parties and holidays were a nightmare of feeling obligated to have unsatisfactory sex. And I didn't enjoy it...penetrative sex still is not something that works although maybe the Rabbit will alter that...

I agree that turning back the clock will not solve the problem... guilt as a means of social control will never be the answer; but empowering girls through having open and honest discussions about sex, sexuality and love might enable them to see they have a choice and the right to make that choice and not be pilloried for it.

So the learning…. being a feminist doesn’t stop one from feeling guilty…. in my normal life being a slut still is the pits, in my sex life it is the one thing that now releases the orgasms and makes me whole.

That brings me to the other discovery… something about the really dark side of me and what that reveals in other people. I have a very deep urge to put myself in situations that pose a considerable risk … to my health, safety and maybe even sanity. So far this has been on-line but the potential for psychological damage is real.
Deep inside I want to be raped as this act represents to me the ultimate form of control one person has over another.

Apart from the obvious links to masochism and self harming why should this be so risky, particularly when viewed alongside some of the BDSM practices?

I suppose the answer to that is twofold, some people find the reactions produced by deep humiliation to be very powerful and hearing someone sobbing either brings out the nurturing or the sadistic side of the instigator.
I use the term instigator deliberately as it is the dominant in this relationship that creates the conditions.

I’m not sure why men find sobbing arousing, but it must be a function of a sadistic streak in them.
I have been crying as a reaction to something that has been released, something very deep. My guess would be that it is connected with the realisation that there is an answer, a solution.
It is too soon to know what the answer is, but there’s one thing I’m very aware of now…….

trust

I need to be clear about the motives and drivers of the other person. The situations that lead up to the sobbing are so arousing that I’m in danger of becoming addicted…therein lies the risk.