Didn't expect to get so horny from writing about getting horny! Still, dealing with the problem was delicious, but maybe so long ago now ( two hours) that it might not keep me cool this time - but it will be fun finding out.
I have a theory that I'd like to test out. Is it possible to have an orgasm without any physical contact?
I have come (!) pretty close during the last month - thinking up situations for fantasies.
I fantasise about being watched - being controlled by others to masturbate myself to orgasm – I follow instructions – to touch my nipples and caress my skin, slipping up my shirt to feel my breasts, pushing my hand against my pubic mound. Pushing my hand down my pants and running my fingers up and down the slit between my lips until my clit becomes engorged and my vagina aches. I lean back and close my eyes as I get more excited – I don’t want to watch the watchers – but I can’t help getting aroused knowing they are watching. I don’t want to do this, want to stop but have no control.
Soon the juice starts to form a slick that gradually covers everywhere from anus to outer labia. If I’m standing up, like on a bus or a subway train, then the juice gradually slides down the insides of my thighs. If I’m lying down or across someone’s knees then it will pool under me and soak into the fabric.
Everything is swollen – my clit is very sensitive – to a scratching nail or an invasive tongue; my vagina is so engorged that it is two finger tight and grips any introduced items with regular muscle spasms.
Sometimes I just have to pleasure myself if the person who has been touching me stops.
If I have been told to remove my lower garments – skirt or trousers and pants then the swollen lips of my cunt will be an obvious sign of my lack of control over my body – the shiny, wet, red skin shows how I’m being aroused against my will, the lips will be open as I‘m incapable of keeping my legs together – they move wide apart on command, from whoever is controlling me. Depending on how my legs are placed the watchers will be able to see how the openings to my vagina and urethra open and close with the internal muscle spasms as my orgasm builds. If my legs are spread very far apart then my orgasm will signal itself with ripples of flowing juice and with exceptional arousal, little spurts of urine as all the muscles spasm.
This might be for an older woman that I have turned for advice, during a job interview, posing for photographs for a modelling application.
It could be for an assistant in a shop, helping me to try on a dress – that involves taking all my clothes off and being intimately measured – of course I get turned on by fingers brushing against my skin as my leg or breast measurements are being taken. The assistant takes control and I’m unable to stop my body responding to being seduced – I will do all sorts of risky things in my desperation to have an orgasm.
All of the scenarios are arousing because I’m not in control, I’m being coerced into doing things – to myself or to others. The more the control has been taken by someone else the more exciting it is.
Could this be the key to the fantasy orgasm?
I’d love to know what happens to other women – but maybe not knowing is also very arousing…..
Friday 29 May 2009
What about fantasy orgasms
I have been writing the blog now for nearly a month. In that time I have had a submissive frenzy and made several discoveries about myself – what arouses me to a level where I have to masturbate in order to return my brain to a functioning state.
So what have I learnt? And where does that take me….?
It is so easy to get aroused to the level where my whole body is sensitive – my nipples are hard, the skin on my neck and breasts goes red, the skin on my arms and legs gets very sensitised – so just brushing against something will trigger a reaction.
The reaction - is in my genitals and it is incredible – before I get wet I get an ache that goes from the tip of my clit, back and up through my vagina, up to my tummy button. With the ache I’m aware that everything is swelling – clit, outer lips, inner lips and the vaginal walls themselves. This ache is significant - as bad as when you twist an ankle on an uneven path.
It is at this point that I start to lose control – I find it almost impossible to think rationally – it becomes, “I want, I want…..” The wanting centres around orgasm – obviously.
This is when the wetness starts – and that is embarrassingly noticeable. It floods, soaks my clothes and the damp patch can be seen easily. My clit and vagina spasm and this squeezes the juice out. The spasms are delicious as they make my clit pulse against the seat. I cannot control them. It also seems as though they are more easily triggered now than a month ago.
How did that happen? The first time was reading ~M’s blog – the comment that started my submissive frenzy. I had a massive spasm and instant wetness – it felt like an electric shock.
Now the spasms can get triggered through a wide range of stimuli – I’ve been searching for blogs with a similar focus to mine and in this journey have had several clit jolts – from pictures and text;
I’m wet now from writing this and I haven’t even thought about any of the fantasies that would usually get me dripping
– in fact this is really weird as I’m approaching the point where I will have to masturbate – just from thinking about what happens in my body.
I haven’t touched myself at all and I’m going to have to do something about it now.
So what have I learnt? And where does that take me….?
It is so easy to get aroused to the level where my whole body is sensitive – my nipples are hard, the skin on my neck and breasts goes red, the skin on my arms and legs gets very sensitised – so just brushing against something will trigger a reaction.
The reaction - is in my genitals and it is incredible – before I get wet I get an ache that goes from the tip of my clit, back and up through my vagina, up to my tummy button. With the ache I’m aware that everything is swelling – clit, outer lips, inner lips and the vaginal walls themselves. This ache is significant - as bad as when you twist an ankle on an uneven path.
It is at this point that I start to lose control – I find it almost impossible to think rationally – it becomes, “I want, I want…..” The wanting centres around orgasm – obviously.
This is when the wetness starts – and that is embarrassingly noticeable. It floods, soaks my clothes and the damp patch can be seen easily. My clit and vagina spasm and this squeezes the juice out. The spasms are delicious as they make my clit pulse against the seat. I cannot control them. It also seems as though they are more easily triggered now than a month ago.
How did that happen? The first time was reading ~M’s blog – the comment that started my submissive frenzy. I had a massive spasm and instant wetness – it felt like an electric shock.
Now the spasms can get triggered through a wide range of stimuli – I’ve been searching for blogs with a similar focus to mine and in this journey have had several clit jolts – from pictures and text;
I’m wet now from writing this and I haven’t even thought about any of the fantasies that would usually get me dripping
– in fact this is really weird as I’m approaching the point where I will have to masturbate – just from thinking about what happens in my body.
I haven’t touched myself at all and I’m going to have to do something about it now.
Thursday 28 May 2009
Wanting to be controlled - continued
It's been a while since I commented last. Instead of writing I thought I might make a real effort to do something about the sexual feelings that have been dominating my waking life.
Following ~M's advice I tried some submissive websites. I'm not sure what I was looking for - opportunities to have further exchanges with someone who understood my needs, physical release through cybering - both of these were on the agenda at first.
This wasn't as straightforward as I had hoped so I looked back at what I had got out of previous excursions into online-led arousal.
I found YouPorn and RedPorn from an article in the Financial Times and this was an amazing find that really helped me begin to understand where my sexual desires were focused. Really arousing are the videos of female orgasms - this really surprised me. I quickly get really wet and aching from watching only one or two of these, especially if there is a soundtrack.
In the orgasm videos the women appear to be having a good time, focusing on their own arousal rather than pleasuring some stud. So that gives me permission to have the same feelings - but masturbating at the keyboard doesn't work - so I have to take myself in hand later - so to speak.
I'm also really turned on by Literotica stories about control and submission with lesbian leanings - my ideal fantasy is to be controlled/persuaded into lesbian sex.
So where did this leave me?
The experience with ~M - laid out for all to see further back in this Blog - was delicious in sexual terms - a hard act to follow.
My first experiment with cyber sex via a Literotica chat room was not a success sexually - I don't think I got the hang of typing, fantasising and masturbating at the same time - I ended up wet but frustrated.
So my next attempt to see where this took me involved more cyber sex. I posted my availability in a chatroom and quickly met someone interested in lesbian sex - but this got quite scary as the person demanded webcam or digital photos - she(?) became really quite aggressive. I remembered ~M's advice about not having to do things that didn't feel right, even if I was the submissive and so I questioned the need for pictures. this brought the session to a close very quickly.
So I'm not sure what to do next.
I long to have a lesbian experience in my fantasies. But a solo fantasy seems a poor second after ~M. Cybering seemed the answer to that - but I'm not sure how one finds someone willing to build fantasies. My experience so far has not been promising.
The submissive website: http://www.submissiveloving.com/online.html has an invitation to display blogs - but there are no others from women wanting to be controlled by women. I did post the link to my blog - but it hasn't appeared in the listings.
So I live in hope and carry on reading Literotica!
More soon.
If these ramblings strike a chord with you then please feel free to comment.
Following ~M's advice I tried some submissive websites. I'm not sure what I was looking for - opportunities to have further exchanges with someone who understood my needs, physical release through cybering - both of these were on the agenda at first.
This wasn't as straightforward as I had hoped so I looked back at what I had got out of previous excursions into online-led arousal.
I found YouPorn and RedPorn from an article in the Financial Times and this was an amazing find that really helped me begin to understand where my sexual desires were focused. Really arousing are the videos of female orgasms - this really surprised me. I quickly get really wet and aching from watching only one or two of these, especially if there is a soundtrack.
In the orgasm videos the women appear to be having a good time, focusing on their own arousal rather than pleasuring some stud. So that gives me permission to have the same feelings - but masturbating at the keyboard doesn't work - so I have to take myself in hand later - so to speak.
I'm also really turned on by Literotica stories about control and submission with lesbian leanings - my ideal fantasy is to be controlled/persuaded into lesbian sex.
So where did this leave me?
The experience with ~M - laid out for all to see further back in this Blog - was delicious in sexual terms - a hard act to follow.
My first experiment with cyber sex via a Literotica chat room was not a success sexually - I don't think I got the hang of typing, fantasising and masturbating at the same time - I ended up wet but frustrated.
So my next attempt to see where this took me involved more cyber sex. I posted my availability in a chatroom and quickly met someone interested in lesbian sex - but this got quite scary as the person demanded webcam or digital photos - she(?) became really quite aggressive. I remembered ~M's advice about not having to do things that didn't feel right, even if I was the submissive and so I questioned the need for pictures. this brought the session to a close very quickly.
So I'm not sure what to do next.
I long to have a lesbian experience in my fantasies. But a solo fantasy seems a poor second after ~M. Cybering seemed the answer to that - but I'm not sure how one finds someone willing to build fantasies. My experience so far has not been promising.
The submissive website: http://www.submissiveloving.com/online.html has an invitation to display blogs - but there are no others from women wanting to be controlled by women. I did post the link to my blog - but it hasn't appeared in the listings.
So I live in hope and carry on reading Literotica!
More soon.
If these ramblings strike a chord with you then please feel free to comment.
Saturday 9 May 2009
~M has decided that she can't continue - how do I feel.
A lot has happened in this last week.
Last Sunday I had cyber sex with H on Literotica. Although we went through all the moves it was strangely disappointing - I got aroused - very wet - but didn't feel engaged with the process. We played a control game but after the intensity of the feelings with ~M - it was avery poor second.
Initially I felt devastated by ~M's decision but have come to terms with it. She has been very generous with her advice. I got myself in a potentially dangerous place and I feel she didn't take advantage.
We have talked via email and I'm following up her suggestions.
One brilliant suggestion - the submissive site. That has been a real eye opener because that's where I discovered I might have experienced a submissive frenzy. There it describes the kind of frantic activity people go through witha love object (person). It was different with me - I wanted sexual release, to be told what to do - sexually, explicitly. I wanted the contact to last only as a means of sexual gratification - I think.
Reflecting on this new it seems a very male trait - to only want sex from a contact - so is that what I really wanted? May be I'm being naive again.......
Maybe the measure of that is the affection I now feel for ~M - as though she has become a good friend - someone I can share feelings - fears, concerns and joys with.
As I continue my journey perhaps things will become clearer. Perhaps others will read this and their comments help me understand myself better.
In the meantime I have turned to recording my sexual fantasises so I can publish them on Literotica. The first one has been submitted - based on my posts here - Caught Cybering. I'm waiting for this to be approved and published. I have another ready to upload - about the school janitor who blackmails me into sex with him as he has seen the YouPorn video, there's a third one in my head - about the janitor winning a bet with the pool man that he could get me to masturbate to orgasm in front of them.
I set up another session with the person I met in the Literotica chatroom - I emailed her the link to my favorite Literotica story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397157
She replied indicating she thought that was great - but when the time came to chat she didn't show up - second thoughts maybe - not surprising really - I was feeling a bit shaky about doing this for real - as it were.
I have assumed that what I do is masturbate while imagining that the person I'm chatting to is doing those things to me and then I tell them what I'm doing to them. This seems different from what I was doing with ~M - I wasn't masturbating, it was all head stuff.
Weird - I'll have to ponder that some more.
A lot has happened in this last week.
Last Sunday I had cyber sex with H on Literotica. Although we went through all the moves it was strangely disappointing - I got aroused - very wet - but didn't feel engaged with the process. We played a control game but after the intensity of the feelings with ~M - it was avery poor second.
Initially I felt devastated by ~M's decision but have come to terms with it. She has been very generous with her advice. I got myself in a potentially dangerous place and I feel she didn't take advantage.
We have talked via email and I'm following up her suggestions.
One brilliant suggestion - the submissive site. That has been a real eye opener because that's where I discovered I might have experienced a submissive frenzy. There it describes the kind of frantic activity people go through witha love object (person). It was different with me - I wanted sexual release, to be told what to do - sexually, explicitly. I wanted the contact to last only as a means of sexual gratification - I think.
Reflecting on this new it seems a very male trait - to only want sex from a contact - so is that what I really wanted? May be I'm being naive again.......
Maybe the measure of that is the affection I now feel for ~M - as though she has become a good friend - someone I can share feelings - fears, concerns and joys with.
As I continue my journey perhaps things will become clearer. Perhaps others will read this and their comments help me understand myself better.
In the meantime I have turned to recording my sexual fantasises so I can publish them on Literotica. The first one has been submitted - based on my posts here - Caught Cybering. I'm waiting for this to be approved and published. I have another ready to upload - about the school janitor who blackmails me into sex with him as he has seen the YouPorn video, there's a third one in my head - about the janitor winning a bet with the pool man that he could get me to masturbate to orgasm in front of them.
I set up another session with the person I met in the Literotica chatroom - I emailed her the link to my favorite Literotica story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397157
She replied indicating she thought that was great - but when the time came to chat she didn't show up - second thoughts maybe - not surprising really - I was feeling a bit shaky about doing this for real - as it were.
I have assumed that what I do is masturbate while imagining that the person I'm chatting to is doing those things to me and then I tell them what I'm doing to them. This seems different from what I was doing with ~M - I wasn't masturbating, it was all head stuff.
Weird - I'll have to ponder that some more.
Sunday 3 May 2009
Control and reflection
What happened……
Observations:
· I have never been aroused without release for 14 straight hours before and the orgasm when it came was incredible
· It was very easy to ‘write’ the final fantasy and also incredibly arousing to type it up
· Do I have a flair for erotic stories - maybe ~M will give me feedback on that
· It was easy to play the role – after about 8 hours I think I began to play it for real – although I don’t think I needed to use the slang to push the envelope further - but I can appreciate it that someone else wanted me to need to do that.
· What pushed me over the edge….. probably arousal coupled with fatigue – I was just so f****ing horny :-)
Control:
· Did ~M do it to me or did I do it to myself – some of the early revelations were that – revelations – the need for approval I understand – being sent to boarding school at 7 years old does something to you – I have recently discovered that the primary emotion associated with those 5 years at that school was ‘fear’ – that I wouldn’t have a home to go back to – I was bullied at that school and so would have been approval seeking with both older and younger girls – not least for safety and acceptance. Were these the seeds?
· Being aroused by someone writing about control was a complete shock – when ~M wrote in her blog:
the thought of you wanting to be controlled is sublime... and you also recognize that, for you, it's a means to justify your actions, a means to escape responsibility and give in to your desires... that's a wonderful observation! I think that you are the kind of person I've been drawn to control in the past, and your level of self-awareness makes you of unique interest to me...
My reaction was instantaneous and at that point the fantasy and the reality walked side by side.
My need for approval made imagining the more paranoid ideas easy – I got very aroused thinking about what ~M might say and the suspense waiting for her replies was all too real. Interestingly though getting a message had four emotional stages to it:
1. Relief, letting out breath when I saw it had arrived
2. A spike of arousal as I digested what was said
3. A spike of anxiety about whether that would be the last communication – usually accompanied by a vaginal spasm.
4. The arousal building as I waited for the hoped for next one – and it was at this point that fantasy took over – the needy messages and the confessions
So there is a demonstrable or should I say tangible (wet vagina/swollen clitoris) outcome from approval seeking and this was the shock – being controlled – not necessarily being told what to do – but more a yearning that what I was doing and saying was acceptable to the other party – so I would be accepted by them.
There is a point where I crossed from an intellectual approach to a much more personal narrative – that probably reflects where the fantasy started to merge with reality, or even replace reality.
Maybe it was the latter that opened the flood gates for the reminiscences about sexual events. I was shocked and still am to a certain extent about how easy it was to confess sexual arousal for a female friend and then to reveal that ( I still feel shame about) – I was being controlled (was that it?) by a pervy old man – he didn’t just take pictures of me topless – he brushed his fingers against my breasts - accidentally – while moving my long hair this way and that for different poses – and I did feel aroused and disgusted with myself for that.
But where does the arousal now come from? I’m baffled - is the answer so obvius that I have walked straight passed it?
I’m normal – at least I thought I was. I know about Freud and repressed sexual desires – the id trying to escape the chains of our conscience and had dismissed it as he produced no scientific evidence to prove this theories; Melanie Klein’s work in domestic violence would like to persuade us that we welcome sexual invasion as we have residual guilt arising from the shared myths (Jung). That is also a difficult one to prove.
I also don’t think I’m a lesbian yearning to come out – but maybe the arousal puts the lie to that – so maybe then I’m bi. When I watch porn videos I avoid looking at gay men taking it up the anus, I’m also not interested in seeing women giving blow jobs – the lesbian couples/threesome videos all seem very staged – lots of looking to the camera and moaning but no tangible evidence of arousal. What does turn me on is watching female orgasms whether it is solo or couples – haven’t seen what looks like a real lesbian orgasm
– and the best thing is really close up so I can see the muscles, the mucus and hear the vocals. But again I don’t know why and what that says about me.
Revelation….. could it be the control thing – do women masturbate and film themselves for their own pleasure or are they being manipulated/filmed by men? Am I being turned on by the subtle control I sense behind the camera.
I think I need some help here – maybe ~M would be generous to throw some light on this.....
Observations:
· I have never been aroused without release for 14 straight hours before and the orgasm when it came was incredible
· It was very easy to ‘write’ the final fantasy and also incredibly arousing to type it up
· Do I have a flair for erotic stories - maybe ~M will give me feedback on that
· It was easy to play the role – after about 8 hours I think I began to play it for real – although I don’t think I needed to use the slang to push the envelope further - but I can appreciate it that someone else wanted me to need to do that.
· What pushed me over the edge….. probably arousal coupled with fatigue – I was just so f****ing horny :-)
Control:
· Did ~M do it to me or did I do it to myself – some of the early revelations were that – revelations – the need for approval I understand – being sent to boarding school at 7 years old does something to you – I have recently discovered that the primary emotion associated with those 5 years at that school was ‘fear’ – that I wouldn’t have a home to go back to – I was bullied at that school and so would have been approval seeking with both older and younger girls – not least for safety and acceptance. Were these the seeds?
· Being aroused by someone writing about control was a complete shock – when ~M wrote in her blog:
the thought of you wanting to be controlled is sublime... and you also recognize that, for you, it's a means to justify your actions, a means to escape responsibility and give in to your desires... that's a wonderful observation! I think that you are the kind of person I've been drawn to control in the past, and your level of self-awareness makes you of unique interest to me...
My reaction was instantaneous and at that point the fantasy and the reality walked side by side.
My need for approval made imagining the more paranoid ideas easy – I got very aroused thinking about what ~M might say and the suspense waiting for her replies was all too real. Interestingly though getting a message had four emotional stages to it:
1. Relief, letting out breath when I saw it had arrived
2. A spike of arousal as I digested what was said
3. A spike of anxiety about whether that would be the last communication – usually accompanied by a vaginal spasm.
4. The arousal building as I waited for the hoped for next one – and it was at this point that fantasy took over – the needy messages and the confessions
So there is a demonstrable or should I say tangible (wet vagina/swollen clitoris) outcome from approval seeking and this was the shock – being controlled – not necessarily being told what to do – but more a yearning that what I was doing and saying was acceptable to the other party – so I would be accepted by them.
There is a point where I crossed from an intellectual approach to a much more personal narrative – that probably reflects where the fantasy started to merge with reality, or even replace reality.
Maybe it was the latter that opened the flood gates for the reminiscences about sexual events. I was shocked and still am to a certain extent about how easy it was to confess sexual arousal for a female friend and then to reveal that ( I still feel shame about) – I was being controlled (was that it?) by a pervy old man – he didn’t just take pictures of me topless – he brushed his fingers against my breasts - accidentally – while moving my long hair this way and that for different poses – and I did feel aroused and disgusted with myself for that.
But where does the arousal now come from? I’m baffled - is the answer so obvius that I have walked straight passed it?
I’m normal – at least I thought I was. I know about Freud and repressed sexual desires – the id trying to escape the chains of our conscience and had dismissed it as he produced no scientific evidence to prove this theories; Melanie Klein’s work in domestic violence would like to persuade us that we welcome sexual invasion as we have residual guilt arising from the shared myths (Jung). That is also a difficult one to prove.
I also don’t think I’m a lesbian yearning to come out – but maybe the arousal puts the lie to that – so maybe then I’m bi. When I watch porn videos I avoid looking at gay men taking it up the anus, I’m also not interested in seeing women giving blow jobs – the lesbian couples/threesome videos all seem very staged – lots of looking to the camera and moaning but no tangible evidence of arousal. What does turn me on is watching female orgasms whether it is solo or couples – haven’t seen what looks like a real lesbian orgasm
– and the best thing is really close up so I can see the muscles, the mucus and hear the vocals. But again I don’t know why and what that says about me.
Revelation….. could it be the control thing – do women masturbate and film themselves for their own pleasure or are they being manipulated/filmed by men? Am I being turned on by the subtle control I sense behind the camera.
I think I need some help here – maybe ~M would be generous to throw some light on this.....
~M gives me my reward
After that delicious marathon session I felt I owed it to you to tell you how the rest of the fantasy played out. But I also want to say or propose something else , as well.
I suspect that you are also interested in what lies beneath all this. I want to analyse what makes me do this so there are two strands. The second reflective one will take a little time, as I need to separate out what happened from the fantasy. So please bear with me on that.
But this was so arousing that I'd like to do it again ....... soon?
So back to the story….
After my last plea there was a short pause and then an email arrived “Report to Room 101 - ~M”
That was the video editing suite – ‘what was that all about’ flitted through my head. But I couldn’t have ignored the summons. Then the shock hit me …… a colleague….
You told me to shut the door – another shock – you – a younger, more junior colleague…..
“Over here, please”.
I stood trembling and quivering before you …… not daring to hope that you would deliver what you promised.
You gestured for me to take my shirt off and that’s when it hit me – you knew what I was like inside. I started to back away and you must have sussed what I was feeling as you reached out and caressed one of my breasts. I couldn’t help it – a moan escaped.
“You want this, don’t you” – No…Yes… I whispered.
“Of course you do, you have been pleading with me to do this” – Yes I whispered.
You leaned towards me and gently took one of my nipples into your mouth – the jolt was visible – you looked up at me and said “Tell me what you are feeling – and don’t whisper” – the last bit should have warned me but I was too far-gone.
The next jolt hit me – my pussy feels so hot and full – I stammered – then the autopilot took over and I couldn’t have stopped pouring out my slutty commentary and pleas…..
Its aching for you, my clit is so hard, please, please, please – touch me there – I want your tongue on my clit, I want to cum for you so hard – I’m on fire, please, please.
You leaned back and then pressed your hand to my mound – “You are hot aren’t you, my little English Rose slut – and wet – I’d like to see that”
I peeled off my trousers – they had stuck to my crotch - and stood in front of you in just my pants – longing for what I hoped was next but dreading it too.
“Lets have those off as well” – you nodded towards my pants.
I was so ashamed that I tried to slip them down and off so you wouldn’t see how soaked they were – but you were too clever for me…”not so fast – give them to me”
You held them and squeezed the crotch – “What a hot, wet, little slut you are – come here, time for your reward”
You bent again to suck one of my nipples and gently established a rhythm – “Tell me how it feels” and as I gasped out – Yes, yes, I’m so hot for you, my pussy longs for you, my clit burns for you, I want you to fuck me with your fingers – my legs spread wide of their own accord and my hips rose to the rhythm.
“You’ll need to show me just how hot you are, how you deserve to cum before I let you” – yes, yes – I groan.
“I want to see your juice dripping on to the floor before I touch your clit”
With that you went back to sucking my nipples and started to lightly stroke up and down my navel – to the top of my bush. The same rhythm drove me wild and soon my thrusts were flinging drops of juice everywhere.
You realised that I very close to the edge and “Good girl, you are nearly there”….
“Just one last thing”…… my heart nearly stopped …. “I want you to put your bottom up on the desk and hold your ankles with your hands” ….. Why? I whispered – not wanting to know the answer.
“Please don’t pretend you are stupid – naïve yes – we need to show them that when you cum its real – to do that we need some close ups of your pussy in action – pushing out that juice”
Then it hit me…..Oh no – please no – not YouPorn
I realised then just how clever you were – no-one would be able to identify you – with your back to the camera I thought was just sitting on the far table waiting to be put back in the cupboard.
Please no…..
“ You were doing so well, it’s a pity, but if that’s what you want” – you turned as is to leave – Oh, please don’t go…. I can’t cum until you tell me to – I need to cum,– please. I put out my hand to stop you and you looked ….. I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to touch you - I’ll do anything you want. You nodded towards the desk and I moved towards it. You sensed that I had crossed the line and softened towards me.
“Up on the desk – yes, that’s right – now spread your legs as far as they will go – Good, that’s a lovely picture, but don’t forget I’ll be very disappointed if we don’t get a 5 star rating” – you said from behind the camera.
You leant over me on the desk, with the camera remote in your hand and you slowly caressed the skin of my inner thighs with the remote. I was beyond speech by them and could only moan Yes, yes, yes, - by this point I didn’t care about the camera or anything except my pussy and how good it felt.
You kissed the skin of my navel and slowly ran your tongue towards my bush, it felt like fire as you got closer to my pulsating pussy. Then as I was about to pass out you ran a finger gently across my clit and then slid all four up my pussy – that drove me wild – Please let cum, please, please.
“I’m going to suck your clit – you can cum now”
As you took my hard clit into your mouth my orgasm began to build – all the muscles from my clit to my anus started to spasm, my pussy opened and closed in time with the spasms. I’m cumming, I’m cumming - I screamed – as the juice came out in little spurts and pooled on the desk under me.
You were as good as your promise – every time the spasms started to slow you gave my clit a little nip with your teeth and I came again and again – until I begged you to stop.
“Good girl – I think we’ll call it
Our virgin English Rose’s first lesbian orgasm or English Rose plucked – we’ll save English Rose pricked for next time – Don’t worry that just my joke”
And you added – “I think we’ll keep this as our little secret – from the rest of the staff – they might be surprised that we seem to be friends so I’ll tell them that you are helping me learn about English flowers – I’ll call you Daisy – that will be my way of attracting your attention when I want something special – D.D – Daisy Dyke”
“Lets see what rating we get …..”
I suspect that you are also interested in what lies beneath all this. I want to analyse what makes me do this so there are two strands. The second reflective one will take a little time, as I need to separate out what happened from the fantasy. So please bear with me on that.
But this was so arousing that I'd like to do it again ....... soon?
So back to the story….
After my last plea there was a short pause and then an email arrived “Report to Room 101 - ~M”
That was the video editing suite – ‘what was that all about’ flitted through my head. But I couldn’t have ignored the summons. Then the shock hit me …… a colleague….
You told me to shut the door – another shock – you – a younger, more junior colleague…..
“Over here, please”.
I stood trembling and quivering before you …… not daring to hope that you would deliver what you promised.
You gestured for me to take my shirt off and that’s when it hit me – you knew what I was like inside. I started to back away and you must have sussed what I was feeling as you reached out and caressed one of my breasts. I couldn’t help it – a moan escaped.
“You want this, don’t you” – No…Yes… I whispered.
“Of course you do, you have been pleading with me to do this” – Yes I whispered.
You leaned towards me and gently took one of my nipples into your mouth – the jolt was visible – you looked up at me and said “Tell me what you are feeling – and don’t whisper” – the last bit should have warned me but I was too far-gone.
The next jolt hit me – my pussy feels so hot and full – I stammered – then the autopilot took over and I couldn’t have stopped pouring out my slutty commentary and pleas…..
Its aching for you, my clit is so hard, please, please, please – touch me there – I want your tongue on my clit, I want to cum for you so hard – I’m on fire, please, please.
You leaned back and then pressed your hand to my mound – “You are hot aren’t you, my little English Rose slut – and wet – I’d like to see that”
I peeled off my trousers – they had stuck to my crotch - and stood in front of you in just my pants – longing for what I hoped was next but dreading it too.
“Lets have those off as well” – you nodded towards my pants.
I was so ashamed that I tried to slip them down and off so you wouldn’t see how soaked they were – but you were too clever for me…”not so fast – give them to me”
You held them and squeezed the crotch – “What a hot, wet, little slut you are – come here, time for your reward”
You bent again to suck one of my nipples and gently established a rhythm – “Tell me how it feels” and as I gasped out – Yes, yes, I’m so hot for you, my pussy longs for you, my clit burns for you, I want you to fuck me with your fingers – my legs spread wide of their own accord and my hips rose to the rhythm.
“You’ll need to show me just how hot you are, how you deserve to cum before I let you” – yes, yes – I groan.
“I want to see your juice dripping on to the floor before I touch your clit”
With that you went back to sucking my nipples and started to lightly stroke up and down my navel – to the top of my bush. The same rhythm drove me wild and soon my thrusts were flinging drops of juice everywhere.
You realised that I very close to the edge and “Good girl, you are nearly there”….
“Just one last thing”…… my heart nearly stopped …. “I want you to put your bottom up on the desk and hold your ankles with your hands” ….. Why? I whispered – not wanting to know the answer.
“Please don’t pretend you are stupid – naïve yes – we need to show them that when you cum its real – to do that we need some close ups of your pussy in action – pushing out that juice”
Then it hit me…..Oh no – please no – not YouPorn
I realised then just how clever you were – no-one would be able to identify you – with your back to the camera I thought was just sitting on the far table waiting to be put back in the cupboard.
Please no…..
“ You were doing so well, it’s a pity, but if that’s what you want” – you turned as is to leave – Oh, please don’t go…. I can’t cum until you tell me to – I need to cum,– please. I put out my hand to stop you and you looked ….. I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to touch you - I’ll do anything you want. You nodded towards the desk and I moved towards it. You sensed that I had crossed the line and softened towards me.
“Up on the desk – yes, that’s right – now spread your legs as far as they will go – Good, that’s a lovely picture, but don’t forget I’ll be very disappointed if we don’t get a 5 star rating” – you said from behind the camera.
You leant over me on the desk, with the camera remote in your hand and you slowly caressed the skin of my inner thighs with the remote. I was beyond speech by them and could only moan Yes, yes, yes, - by this point I didn’t care about the camera or anything except my pussy and how good it felt.
You kissed the skin of my navel and slowly ran your tongue towards my bush, it felt like fire as you got closer to my pulsating pussy. Then as I was about to pass out you ran a finger gently across my clit and then slid all four up my pussy – that drove me wild – Please let cum, please, please.
“I’m going to suck your clit – you can cum now”
As you took my hard clit into your mouth my orgasm began to build – all the muscles from my clit to my anus started to spasm, my pussy opened and closed in time with the spasms. I’m cumming, I’m cumming - I screamed – as the juice came out in little spurts and pooled on the desk under me.
You were as good as your promise – every time the spasms started to slow you gave my clit a little nip with your teeth and I came again and again – until I begged you to stop.
“Good girl – I think we’ll call it
Our virgin English Rose’s first lesbian orgasm or English Rose plucked – we’ll save English Rose pricked for next time – Don’t worry that just my joke”
And you added – “I think we’ll keep this as our little secret – from the rest of the staff – they might be surprised that we seem to be friends so I’ll tell them that you are helping me learn about English flowers – I’ll call you Daisy – that will be my way of attracting your attention when I want something special – D.D – Daisy Dyke”
“Lets see what rating we get …..”
My first experience
I'm shattered but elated - I'm on a sexual high.
Thank you ~M.
That was amazing - I have been aroused for nearly 14 hours and its now 3 am.
With your permission I'm off to bed to follow your instructions.
I didn't touch myself until you gave me permission......
Now why did I tell you that.........
Thank you ~M.
That was amazing - I have been aroused for nearly 14 hours and its now 3 am.
With your permission I'm off to bed to follow your instructions.
I didn't touch myself until you gave me permission......
Now why did I tell you that.........
Please
Can I rub my clit now,
I realise how slutty this sounds and I can’t help myself.
My pussy is red and wet and aching for you to tell me what to do……
My clit is so hard. I wish I could …………
I want someone to ram their fingers up my cunt so that the cum goes everywhere and then everyone will know what I’ve doing.
Please ………
I realise how slutty this sounds and I can’t help myself.
My pussy is red and wet and aching for you to tell me what to do……
My clit is so hard. I wish I could …………
I want someone to ram their fingers up my cunt so that the cum goes everywhere and then everyone will know what I’ve doing.
Please ………
My pussy aches
When I masturbate……
I open the lips of my pussy with one hand and gently stroke around my clit with one finger – I think about people making me do things. I always wanted to be a model and when I was at school I had a girlfriend who was an artist and she got a Saturday job with a friend of the family who was a photographer – he persuaded her to bring me along for some pictures – he was in his sixties. He made me strip to the waist and took pictures of me topless. I’ve never told anyone this before.
So thinking about how he did this and what else he could have made do gets my pussy very wet …
not as wet as it is now.
I imagine him pulling my pants down and saying how hot I am for it because my clit is sticking out. He flicks my clit and it makes me moan and against my will I’m getting wet.
I long to have you touch me – my pussy is pushing itself out and upwards towards the computer as if you can see me – I can’t control it.
Then he makes me bend over so he can photograph my lips – they are glistening and reflecting the light. He shows me the pictures so I can see what I slut I am. Then he gets my friend to come back in and watch him as he wanks his huge cock – he forces her to hold me as he cums all over me – then he forces her to lick it all off – she looks up at me and whispers – “I’m sorry” – I believe her.
As she licks the cum off my tits one of my hard nipples slips into her mouth and she sucks on it – I get a jolt in my pussy – I’m really guilty about that – my clit jumps every time she touches me I’m so hot and I don’t want her to find out my guilty secret. Her tongue runs a burning line down my navel.
There’s more spunk down there “ he says and pushes her head down to my aching pussy.
I’m really trembling now – both in the story and really – my pussy is soo hot , I want ……..
When Cherry’s lips brush against my clit I moan loudly and a little spurt of juice comes out. I think she pretends not to notice and starts to lick my clit – this drives me wild – I have to bite my lip to stop crying out. But I can’t help it I have to push my pussy into her face and she takes my clit into her mouth and sucks me off. I cum and cum
He has pictures of it all – and I don’t realise that she is a willing partner in all of this.
Is that Ok?
I’m not sure what else you want me to say – please let me do more for you…… but I need to cum
I open the lips of my pussy with one hand and gently stroke around my clit with one finger – I think about people making me do things. I always wanted to be a model and when I was at school I had a girlfriend who was an artist and she got a Saturday job with a friend of the family who was a photographer – he persuaded her to bring me along for some pictures – he was in his sixties. He made me strip to the waist and took pictures of me topless. I’ve never told anyone this before.
So thinking about how he did this and what else he could have made do gets my pussy very wet …
not as wet as it is now.
I imagine him pulling my pants down and saying how hot I am for it because my clit is sticking out. He flicks my clit and it makes me moan and against my will I’m getting wet.
I long to have you touch me – my pussy is pushing itself out and upwards towards the computer as if you can see me – I can’t control it.
Then he makes me bend over so he can photograph my lips – they are glistening and reflecting the light. He shows me the pictures so I can see what I slut I am. Then he gets my friend to come back in and watch him as he wanks his huge cock – he forces her to hold me as he cums all over me – then he forces her to lick it all off – she looks up at me and whispers – “I’m sorry” – I believe her.
As she licks the cum off my tits one of my hard nipples slips into her mouth and she sucks on it – I get a jolt in my pussy – I’m really guilty about that – my clit jumps every time she touches me I’m so hot and I don’t want her to find out my guilty secret. Her tongue runs a burning line down my navel.
There’s more spunk down there “ he says and pushes her head down to my aching pussy.
I’m really trembling now – both in the story and really – my pussy is soo hot , I want ……..
When Cherry’s lips brush against my clit I moan loudly and a little spurt of juice comes out. I think she pretends not to notice and starts to lick my clit – this drives me wild – I have to bite my lip to stop crying out. But I can’t help it I have to push my pussy into her face and she takes my clit into her mouth and sucks me off. I cum and cum
He has pictures of it all – and I don’t realise that she is a willing partner in all of this.
Is that Ok?
I’m not sure what else you want me to say – please let me do more for you…… but I need to cum
Please read this
Is ~ M playing games with me now?
I want to tell her exactly what is happening to my body but I’m afraid that will make her wait even longer to …….
Could I tell her any way………
Why do I need to do that ………
Because it is more intense than any fantasy I have ever had….
the juice is literally dripping out of my vagina….
my pants are soaking – very sensible things – I have never worn a thong it seems too bare…
my jeans are drenched and there’s a damp patch along the outside of the seam between my legs.
Every so often my vagina and clit have a spasm and contract and that pushes out more juice.
My clit is so swollen and hard that it is sticking out through my labia and brushing against my pants making it difficult to walk without showing how aroused I am.
If I used a mirror I think I would look like those women masturbating on youporn – I thought all that was simulated – maybe it isn’t.
So now I have confessed to watching porn …….. I wanted to tell ~M that – why?
So she could use that……..
Another vaginal spasm…. that seems to happen now every time I think about what ~M might require me to do.
How long can this keep going?
I want to tell her exactly what is happening to my body but I’m afraid that will make her wait even longer to …….
Could I tell her any way………
Why do I need to do that ………
Because it is more intense than any fantasy I have ever had….
the juice is literally dripping out of my vagina….
my pants are soaking – very sensible things – I have never worn a thong it seems too bare…
my jeans are drenched and there’s a damp patch along the outside of the seam between my legs.
Every so often my vagina and clit have a spasm and contract and that pushes out more juice.
My clit is so swollen and hard that it is sticking out through my labia and brushing against my pants making it difficult to walk without showing how aroused I am.
If I used a mirror I think I would look like those women masturbating on youporn – I thought all that was simulated – maybe it isn’t.
So now I have confessed to watching porn …….. I wanted to tell ~M that – why?
So she could use that……..
Another vaginal spasm…. that seems to happen now every time I think about what ~M might require me to do.
How long can this keep going?
I'm not doing that well
I tried to distract myself by doing work emails - on a Saturday. It didn't work as you can see I was waiting, waiting, waiting on your reply.
Everything is aching........ please let me please you.
Everything is aching........ please let me please you.
Can't help myself
~M asked me to tell her something about myself – before I have even thought I have launched into telling her about the time that Jill, Mary and I went to India.
It felt right to tell her, I wanted to tell her….. why?
Is this another example of approval seeking – maybe I should also tell her what my fantasies involve……..
I think I want it to be her hands holding me back against the wall while she instructs me to open my legs, her hand briefly pressing my mound as she puts one leg between mine – I long to be Allison to her Megan (shysub19) but I’m terrified of what she will make me do.
Should I be so direct ……..
I long to tell her everything……… she is so persuasive or I’m so under her control.
It felt right to tell her, I wanted to tell her….. why?
Is this another example of approval seeking – maybe I should also tell her what my fantasies involve……..
I think I want it to be her hands holding me back against the wall while she instructs me to open my legs, her hand briefly pressing my mound as she puts one leg between mine – I long to be Allison to her Megan (shysub19) but I’m terrified of what she will make me do.
Should I be so direct ……..
I long to tell her everything……… she is so persuasive or I’m so under her control.
How revealing
I just realised how easy it was to tell you about Mary - I have never told anyone else about that incident.
Was I compelled to confess - Yes, but it was very subtle.... I wanted to tell you.
How skilled you are.
And I'm getting aroused again - it kind of faded there for a while - now I'm wondering what you will do with what I've just told you.
and as you asked - are my thighs tightening together, yes -
Was I compelled to confess - Yes, but it was very subtle.... I wanted to tell you.
How skilled you are.
And I'm getting aroused again - it kind of faded there for a while - now I'm wondering what you will do with what I've just told you.
and as you asked - are my thighs tightening together, yes -
Saturday 2 May 2009
About me
You ask me about myself .....
I have never had any sexual experience with women. The closest I came to it was on an extended trip to India with two female friends. We slept 3 to a room in hotels for the whole summer vacation and no-one wanted to share the double bed as it was so hot.
I knew Mary is a lesbian, we are good friends - she and Jill teach infants and I teach teenagers. We used to joke about wearing earplugs to muffle the kids' screams in the yard when playing games. She and her partner Fay came to my wedding.
The incident happened at Kujharho - the sacred place with lots of temples with erotic statues - reputedly where Indian couples go on their honeymoons to learn about pleasuring each other. That and the fact that none of us had had partner sex or masturbated for 4 weeks may have had something to do with it.
We had decided to have a lazy day by the pool and Mary offered to put some sunscreen on me - as I lay on my front. After she rubbed it on my back she asked if I thought my legs needed some as well. Without a thought I said - 'Please'. From the ankles to the knees was fine - but she started to rub me very gently up the back of and between my thighs - I can picture it as if it were yesterday. She nearly reached the top of my thighs and it really aroused me - I got quite wet. I didn't dare move or say anything. But then she stopped, I didn't know what to say - she and I were not alone although Jill was well into the Indian Times crossword and wouldn't have noticed if we had a full on grope.
Later on that day she initiated a discussion about being faithful and asked if I thought Fay was being faithful in her absence. They were so besotted and clearly made for each other so that answer was easy.
I always wondered what I might have done if she had continued.
Maybe that was my awakening - but I didn't fantasize about women until after then.
Like you I'm very happily married - lots of my colleagues have had flings with married men - it is the talk of the staff room - parents and kids may not think teachers are sexual beings - they are. I feel that if two people have gone to the trouble of working at a relationship then its not fair to butt in.
He knows I masturbate - probably not how often or even when. He goes away on business trips quite a lot and that's when the fanstasies kick in.
Do you want to know more?
I have never had any sexual experience with women. The closest I came to it was on an extended trip to India with two female friends. We slept 3 to a room in hotels for the whole summer vacation and no-one wanted to share the double bed as it was so hot.
I knew Mary is a lesbian, we are good friends - she and Jill teach infants and I teach teenagers. We used to joke about wearing earplugs to muffle the kids' screams in the yard when playing games. She and her partner Fay came to my wedding.
The incident happened at Kujharho - the sacred place with lots of temples with erotic statues - reputedly where Indian couples go on their honeymoons to learn about pleasuring each other. That and the fact that none of us had had partner sex or masturbated for 4 weeks may have had something to do with it.
We had decided to have a lazy day by the pool and Mary offered to put some sunscreen on me - as I lay on my front. After she rubbed it on my back she asked if I thought my legs needed some as well. Without a thought I said - 'Please'. From the ankles to the knees was fine - but she started to rub me very gently up the back of and between my thighs - I can picture it as if it were yesterday. She nearly reached the top of my thighs and it really aroused me - I got quite wet. I didn't dare move or say anything. But then she stopped, I didn't know what to say - she and I were not alone although Jill was well into the Indian Times crossword and wouldn't have noticed if we had a full on grope.
Later on that day she initiated a discussion about being faithful and asked if I thought Fay was being faithful in her absence. They were so besotted and clearly made for each other so that answer was easy.
I always wondered what I might have done if she had continued.
Maybe that was my awakening - but I didn't fantasize about women until after then.
Like you I'm very happily married - lots of my colleagues have had flings with married men - it is the talk of the staff room - parents and kids may not think teachers are sexual beings - they are. I feel that if two people have gone to the trouble of working at a relationship then its not fair to butt in.
He knows I masturbate - probably not how often or even when. He goes away on business trips quite a lot and that's when the fanstasies kick in.
Do you want to know more?
Trembling and quivering
~M has read my last post and is asking do I want permission?
Yes, yes , yes. But there is something of the masochist in me as I posted the next page I had written while waiting in desperation for her answer.
.
Will she get bored and log off or will she read my plea and …….
Waiting for answer is exquisite torture….
I am going to admit it to myself – finally…
I’m desperate to be controlled, to be told what to do – to myself, with others – that’s as far as I dare go at the moment - to admit any more and there’s lots more would be far too dangerous.
I felt I had to admit that, in case ~M was waiting for me to confess further – as a means of strengthening the control she has over me. I don’t want to risk doing the wrong thing. I can’t take much more arousal and I want her to……
Another revelation…..
Make me do something….. what?
Another thought….
Am I being too frank – have I put her off me… is this too disgusting for her?
I have read all her posts – it has made me feel better…..maybe it will be OK as she has written explicitly about controlling, about women – but will she…..
Maybe if I told her about the stories that had the most impact on me.
Another terrifying thought…
Can people read my blog and me not know? What if ~M is doing that and deliberately making me wait …….
Please……..
Another milestone – and I’m trembling like a leaf in one of those breezes that just caresses your skin and also quivering like a frightened rabbit transfixed by the stare of a predator….
~M has just answered my last post
So I’m trembling with excitement about what will the control lead to – images swirling and chasing each other through my mind – delicious, wet, fingers and tongues.
I’m also quivering with fear in case that is the last contact.
The trembling is now associated with anxiety – what will I have to do?
Yes, yes , yes. But there is something of the masochist in me as I posted the next page I had written while waiting in desperation for her answer.
.
Will she get bored and log off or will she read my plea and …….
Waiting for answer is exquisite torture….
I am going to admit it to myself – finally…
I’m desperate to be controlled, to be told what to do – to myself, with others – that’s as far as I dare go at the moment - to admit any more and there’s lots more would be far too dangerous.
I felt I had to admit that, in case ~M was waiting for me to confess further – as a means of strengthening the control she has over me. I don’t want to risk doing the wrong thing. I can’t take much more arousal and I want her to……
Another revelation…..
Make me do something….. what?
Another thought….
Am I being too frank – have I put her off me… is this too disgusting for her?
I have read all her posts – it has made me feel better…..maybe it will be OK as she has written explicitly about controlling, about women – but will she…..
Maybe if I told her about the stories that had the most impact on me.
Another terrifying thought…
Can people read my blog and me not know? What if ~M is doing that and deliberately making me wait …….
Please……..
Another milestone – and I’m trembling like a leaf in one of those breezes that just caresses your skin and also quivering like a frightened rabbit transfixed by the stare of a predator….
~M has just answered my last post
So I’m trembling with excitement about what will the control lead to – images swirling and chasing each other through my mind – delicious, wet, fingers and tongues.
I’m also quivering with fear in case that is the last contact.
The trembling is now associated with anxiety – what will I have to do?
Before I saw your comment on the previous post I wrote this......
I think I have blown it - ~M has not appeared.
The article I read said:
“The trade-off between privacy and emotional closeness is not so dominant in online relationships mainly because of the greater ability to conceal private information and the decreased vulnerability of the participants”.
That may be the case with other people but not me…. I’m so vulnerable to rejection…
Now, where did that come from?
Yes, I do feel very vulnerable – it’s as though I can’t function normally without this approval. How can I be giving away such control over my very being without even realizing it?
“Online communication enables people to continue with their regular schedule and engage in their online relationships only when it is least intrusive”.
Is she teasing me…….
Why do I care so much?
I have to go back and read her special message to me – the really exciting and most scary bit is:
“of unique interest”
I don’t need exclusivity – I just want to be……………..
What do I want…………..
Permission?
To do what…………
To be told what to do…………… Is that really it……………..
I’ll have to think about that …………….
It might be the answer as I’m getting more aroused.
It gets to a plateau and evens off – Now, I’m shaking so much its like being cold but I’m the opposite inside – trembling – that’s the word. Both physically and mentally, quivering – I’m also doing that.
If I get permission……. She’ll tell me what to do……
What if……..
I think I have blown it - ~M has not appeared.
The article I read said:
“The trade-off between privacy and emotional closeness is not so dominant in online relationships mainly because of the greater ability to conceal private information and the decreased vulnerability of the participants”.
That may be the case with other people but not me…. I’m so vulnerable to rejection…
Now, where did that come from?
Yes, I do feel very vulnerable – it’s as though I can’t function normally without this approval. How can I be giving away such control over my very being without even realizing it?
“Online communication enables people to continue with their regular schedule and engage in their online relationships only when it is least intrusive”.
Is she teasing me…….
Why do I care so much?
I have to go back and read her special message to me – the really exciting and most scary bit is:
“of unique interest”
I don’t need exclusivity – I just want to be……………..
What do I want…………..
Permission?
To do what…………
To be told what to do…………… Is that really it……………..
I’ll have to think about that …………….
It might be the answer as I’m getting more aroused.
It gets to a plateau and evens off – Now, I’m shaking so much its like being cold but I’m the opposite inside – trembling – that’s the word. Both physically and mentally, quivering – I’m also doing that.
If I get permission……. She’ll tell me what to do……
What if……..
How does control work? – usually we give permission to others to control us “It’s your turn, you choose”.
This becomes more difficult if we desire something – then the other person exerts control maybe without even realising it, even the person being controlled may not be aware that is happening.
I logged on again and again and looked at the blog hoping to see my comment had been read – and if it had been read that my tentative approach for acceptance had been acknowledged and, beyond my wildest dreams, had been valued through a personal comment indicating some interest from the other person.
That this was a subtle form of control only dawned on me when I started to analyse why I couldn’t get sexual release through the usual and delicious means – I wasn’t in control.
Then I started to think about what might be behind this.
Had ~M controlled all this from the start?
It was chance that I found Jennifer’s stories, curiosity that led me to her blog and perhaps design that pulled me to ‘constant control’. Was the name the warning of the trap I was just to fall into – after all we expect warnings on most things nowadays.
Or is all of this in my imagination?
So what was I to do now? – if ~M has controlled all of this so far – by deliberately spacing her posts and comments so the longing (and the control) is stronger, then what?
I’ve gone back to the article I was reading earlier to se if there were any clues. In fact it made it worse as it explained what was happening to me.
It said:
“In actual circumstances, we often have to compromise our privacy with our wish
to maintain significant personal and social relationships. By letting emotions play a central role in our lives, we assent to being exposed to a certain extent; we relinquish some privacy in order to be able to live emotionally.”
But I thought sexual fantasies didn’t engage my emotions, after all the guilt I feel when I read erotic stories is less than eating a donut, so it must be something much deeper within me that is causing this dependency on approval from a stranger.
The article went on to explain what might be happening to me:
“Telling our secrets to someone may establish a friendship, but it also exposes our vulnerability. Thus, allowing another person to see us in a disgusting or humiliating situation is an indication that we consider this person to be our intimate and hence are willing to decrease our privacy”
– so was confessing to ~M my way of pleading with her - “Please be my friend?”
Janis Joplin sang “Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose”, so if I give …. (listen to me as if I have any choice about whether I have given control to ~M),
Start again – If I reveal everything will I be free?
Again reference to the article reveals another pearl: “Privacy is required when we have something to lose and hope that by keeping it private, the loss will be prevented. Our wish to keep something private indicates the presence of some conflict. Is such a conflict a necessary feature of our social life, or is it something we should aspire to overcome?”
The point I have now reached is wondering…. if none of this was intended have I just been guilty of sexually harassing ~M by my explicit comments on her blog and by inviting her to ‘follow’ mine.
And having said this have I just given her more control over me……..
I suppose I won’t know the answers to any of this until I log on again….
Just writing this has increased the arousal I’m experiencing – I didn’t think I could get any more excited without …., but that still hasn’t happened …
Oh, gosh another thought – may be I won’t be able to have an orgasm. I’ve read that in stories and scoffed – is it possible it might be happening to me and if so what happens next –
Perhaps I’ll just have another look and see if ~M is following.
Yes, yes, yes...........
She is waiting for me to invite her - my invitation didn't work.
I'm so hot and bothered that I'm not even thinking straight........
This becomes more difficult if we desire something – then the other person exerts control maybe without even realising it, even the person being controlled may not be aware that is happening.
I logged on again and again and looked at the blog hoping to see my comment had been read – and if it had been read that my tentative approach for acceptance had been acknowledged and, beyond my wildest dreams, had been valued through a personal comment indicating some interest from the other person.
That this was a subtle form of control only dawned on me when I started to analyse why I couldn’t get sexual release through the usual and delicious means – I wasn’t in control.
Then I started to think about what might be behind this.
Had ~M controlled all this from the start?
It was chance that I found Jennifer’s stories, curiosity that led me to her blog and perhaps design that pulled me to ‘constant control’. Was the name the warning of the trap I was just to fall into – after all we expect warnings on most things nowadays.
Or is all of this in my imagination?
So what was I to do now? – if ~M has controlled all of this so far – by deliberately spacing her posts and comments so the longing (and the control) is stronger, then what?
I’ve gone back to the article I was reading earlier to se if there were any clues. In fact it made it worse as it explained what was happening to me.
It said:
“In actual circumstances, we often have to compromise our privacy with our wish
to maintain significant personal and social relationships. By letting emotions play a central role in our lives, we assent to being exposed to a certain extent; we relinquish some privacy in order to be able to live emotionally.”
But I thought sexual fantasies didn’t engage my emotions, after all the guilt I feel when I read erotic stories is less than eating a donut, so it must be something much deeper within me that is causing this dependency on approval from a stranger.
The article went on to explain what might be happening to me:
“Telling our secrets to someone may establish a friendship, but it also exposes our vulnerability. Thus, allowing another person to see us in a disgusting or humiliating situation is an indication that we consider this person to be our intimate and hence are willing to decrease our privacy”
– so was confessing to ~M my way of pleading with her - “Please be my friend?”
Janis Joplin sang “Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose”, so if I give …. (listen to me as if I have any choice about whether I have given control to ~M),
Start again – If I reveal everything will I be free?
Again reference to the article reveals another pearl: “Privacy is required when we have something to lose and hope that by keeping it private, the loss will be prevented. Our wish to keep something private indicates the presence of some conflict. Is such a conflict a necessary feature of our social life, or is it something we should aspire to overcome?”
The point I have now reached is wondering…. if none of this was intended have I just been guilty of sexually harassing ~M by my explicit comments on her blog and by inviting her to ‘follow’ mine.
And having said this have I just given her more control over me……..
I suppose I won’t know the answers to any of this until I log on again….
Just writing this has increased the arousal I’m experiencing – I didn’t think I could get any more excited without …., but that still hasn’t happened …
Oh, gosh another thought – may be I won’t be able to have an orgasm. I’ve read that in stories and scoffed – is it possible it might be happening to me and if so what happens next –
Perhaps I’ll just have another look and see if ~M is following.
Yes, yes, yes...........
She is waiting for me to invite her - my invitation didn't work.
I'm so hot and bothered that I'm not even thinking straight........
This is awful and scary. I’m very aroused and usually I would use my fingers in concert with my mind, think about a scenario where another person – usually a woman - touches me so my clitoris and vagina react against my will and I lose control over my body.
But I’m so aroused now that I can’t concentrate on bringing up a picture and a story - I don’t even really want to touch myself as somehow I feel that would be wrong – I think I would feel guilty as it is someone else’s right to do that.
Thinking this way is making it worse – I’m so turned on now that my vagina aches and I’m afraid I will do something really risky that would expose me as some kind of sex addict – maybe put myself under the control of someone else who will make me do things that will expose me.
An hour later ….
I’ve tried to clear my mind in the hope that the arousal will subside – distracting myself with reading an article in an electronic journal – the sort that would normally put you to sleep.
But I keep revisiting this in my mind – like my tongue if I have a sore tooth – so I hope the best way to ‘manage’ my body is to return to why I feel like this and what can I do about it…
SO not working …… I ache to have someone’s tongue on my clit – she is drawing me into her web and normally I would be fantasizing ‘despite my struggles’ – not now I’m going willing, yearning desperately, but I have no picture – if I try to picture a person, even a woman, all I get is the feeling that I have become a vagina and a clitoris with no brain. That is a new feeling that has come with an increasing arousal – normally this level of arousal only occurs after some serious hand work after reading a literotica story or with a home grown fantasy.
Today all I have done is read a blog posting.
Funnily enough I usually feel a bit guilty about reading erotic stories and masturbating. Not now – it’s almost as though someone has taken over the pleasure centre in my mind – I’m feeling really panicky. I wish I could go back to the safety of those fantasies and being in control in my real life.
Shit – I don’t like this…. but, ‘Yes’ maybe I do ……
Trouble is I’m now reading an article about computers and human behaviour – it is scary how relevant it is….
“Privacy expresses the wish to be active in a certain unique manner within a certain social framework, such as a state, neighborhood, a chat room, work, friends, or family. This framework includes other people who we must take into account, while still retaining our own identity.
Privacy expresses a wish to belong to a social group, to keep its principles (or at least
its essential ones), but still have space for imagining and doing whatever one wants—even if this may sometimes conflict with certain prevailing norms. Privacy involves the wish to maintain some discretion over one’s intimate affairs.
In cyberspace, we can belong to a certain social or personal framework without assimilating into this framework, as we still have an offline life and we control the type of private information that is revealed.
I want you to know who I am….. Am I losing control of my offline life?
But I’m so aroused now that I can’t concentrate on bringing up a picture and a story - I don’t even really want to touch myself as somehow I feel that would be wrong – I think I would feel guilty as it is someone else’s right to do that.
Thinking this way is making it worse – I’m so turned on now that my vagina aches and I’m afraid I will do something really risky that would expose me as some kind of sex addict – maybe put myself under the control of someone else who will make me do things that will expose me.
An hour later ….
I’ve tried to clear my mind in the hope that the arousal will subside – distracting myself with reading an article in an electronic journal – the sort that would normally put you to sleep.
But I keep revisiting this in my mind – like my tongue if I have a sore tooth – so I hope the best way to ‘manage’ my body is to return to why I feel like this and what can I do about it…
SO not working …… I ache to have someone’s tongue on my clit – she is drawing me into her web and normally I would be fantasizing ‘despite my struggles’ – not now I’m going willing, yearning desperately, but I have no picture – if I try to picture a person, even a woman, all I get is the feeling that I have become a vagina and a clitoris with no brain. That is a new feeling that has come with an increasing arousal – normally this level of arousal only occurs after some serious hand work after reading a literotica story or with a home grown fantasy.
Today all I have done is read a blog posting.
Funnily enough I usually feel a bit guilty about reading erotic stories and masturbating. Not now – it’s almost as though someone has taken over the pleasure centre in my mind – I’m feeling really panicky. I wish I could go back to the safety of those fantasies and being in control in my real life.
Shit – I don’t like this…. but, ‘Yes’ maybe I do ……
Trouble is I’m now reading an article about computers and human behaviour – it is scary how relevant it is….
“Privacy expresses the wish to be active in a certain unique manner within a certain social framework, such as a state, neighborhood, a chat room, work, friends, or family. This framework includes other people who we must take into account, while still retaining our own identity.
Privacy expresses a wish to belong to a social group, to keep its principles (or at least
its essential ones), but still have space for imagining and doing whatever one wants—even if this may sometimes conflict with certain prevailing norms. Privacy involves the wish to maintain some discretion over one’s intimate affairs.
In cyberspace, we can belong to a certain social or personal framework without assimilating into this framework, as we still have an offline life and we control the type of private information that is revealed.
I want you to know who I am….. Am I losing control of my offline life?
My first revelation
I have started on a journey of learning about myself. It started really safely but lately has become scary.
I've learnt about the power of ambiguity.........
Not sure if is safe to share my inner thoughts ...but aching to do it anyway ... to see what happens?
To force myself to grow?
To give in to inner desires?
I've learnt about the power of ambiguity.........
Not sure if is safe to share my inner thoughts ...but aching to do it anyway ... to see what happens?
To force myself to grow?
To give in to inner desires?
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