Control and reflection

What happened……

Observations:
· I have never been aroused without release for 14 straight hours before and the orgasm when it came was incredible
· It was very easy to ‘write’ the final fantasy and also incredibly arousing to type it up
· Do I have a flair for erotic stories - maybe ~M will give me feedback on that
· It was easy to play the role – after about 8 hours I think I began to play it for real – although I don’t think I needed to use the slang to push the envelope further - but I can appreciate it that someone else wanted me to need to do that.
· What pushed me over the edge….. probably arousal coupled with fatigue – I was just so f****ing horny :-)

Control:
· Did ~M do it to me or did I do it to myself – some of the early revelations were that – revelations – the need for approval I understand – being sent to boarding school at 7 years old does something to you – I have recently discovered that the primary emotion associated with those 5 years at that school was ‘fear’ – that I wouldn’t have a home to go back to – I was bullied at that school and so would have been approval seeking with both older and younger girls – not least for safety and acceptance. Were these the seeds?
· Being aroused by someone writing about control was a complete shock – when ~M wrote in her blog:

the thought of you wanting to be controlled is sublime... and you also recognize that, for you, it's a means to justify your actions, a means to escape responsibility and give in to your desires... that's a wonderful observation! I think that you are the kind of person I've been drawn to control in the past, and your level of self-awareness makes you of unique interest to me...

My reaction was instantaneous and at that point the fantasy and the reality walked side by side.
My need for approval made imagining the more paranoid ideas easy – I got very aroused thinking about what ~M might say and the suspense waiting for her replies was all too real. Interestingly though getting a message had four emotional stages to it:
1. Relief, letting out breath when I saw it had arrived
2. A spike of arousal as I digested what was said
3. A spike of anxiety about whether that would be the last communication – usually accompanied by a vaginal spasm.
4. The arousal building as I waited for the hoped for next one – and it was at this point that fantasy took over – the needy messages and the confessions

So there is a demonstrable or should I say tangible (wet vagina/swollen clitoris) outcome from approval seeking and this was the shock – being controlled – not necessarily being told what to do – but more a yearning that what I was doing and saying was acceptable to the other party – so I would be accepted by them.
There is a point where I crossed from an intellectual approach to a much more personal narrative – that probably reflects where the fantasy started to merge with reality, or even replace reality.

Maybe it was the latter that opened the flood gates for the reminiscences about sexual events. I was shocked and still am to a certain extent about how easy it was to confess sexual arousal for a female friend and then to reveal that ( I still feel shame about) – I was being controlled (was that it?) by a pervy old man – he didn’t just take pictures of me topless – he brushed his fingers against my breasts - accidentally – while moving my long hair this way and that for different poses – and I did feel aroused and disgusted with myself for that.

But where does the arousal now come from? I’m baffled - is the answer so obvius that I have walked straight passed it?

I’m normal – at least I thought I was. I know about Freud and repressed sexual desires – the id trying to escape the chains of our conscience and had dismissed it as he produced no scientific evidence to prove this theories; Melanie Klein’s work in domestic violence would like to persuade us that we welcome sexual invasion as we have residual guilt arising from the shared myths (Jung). That is also a difficult one to prove.

I also don’t think I’m a lesbian yearning to come out – but maybe the arousal puts the lie to that – so maybe then I’m bi. When I watch porn videos I avoid looking at gay men taking it up the anus, I’m also not interested in seeing women giving blow jobs – the lesbian couples/threesome videos all seem very staged – lots of looking to the camera and moaning but no tangible evidence of arousal. What does turn me on is watching female orgasms whether it is solo or couples – haven’t seen what looks like a real lesbian orgasm

– and the best thing is really close up so I can see the muscles, the mucus and hear the vocals. But again I don’t know why and what that says about me.

Revelation….. could it be the control thing – do women masturbate and film themselves for their own pleasure or are they being manipulated/filmed by men? Am I being turned on by the subtle control I sense behind the camera.
I think I need some help here – maybe ~M would be generous to throw some light on this.....