A New Kingdom?

Being described as an enigma took me by surprise… Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde and I understood the reference.

That I'm two women is much clearer to me now and, interestingly, there are very few people who see the two. Not even to my closest offline friends are there glimpses of the recently discovered submissive. But to one - a very new friend - both sides regularly appear and, worryingly, I can switch instantly between both personas.

I say 'worryingly' since the professional me - capable, skilled, assertive, professional, intelligent - is my safe zone where I am in control.

I'm not even sure this person is aware of how easily he can make me switch… it is just as well he is halfway round the world… to be that vulnerable is scary.
What is even more frightening, in a way, is that the trigger is not sexual. We have talked about personal values, films, strategies for the computer game we are playing and "BAM" I turn from someone with the brain the size of a planet (!) … superwoman into a gibbering idiot who has difficulty shutting the door on her own.
My only way of coping is to find some banal excuse to terminate the conversation.

What is the explanation? I feel a bond with this person; we have things in common - we share a propensity for completely misinterpreting what the other has said. We seem both to be sensitive souls who care deeply about our values.

Where is this taking me?

I had been puzzled by his reactions to some of my remarks and requests; worried about how I interacted with him…the Jekyll and Hyde thing is a light bulb moment.

As a submissive my main goal is to please. I realise that he triggered the submissive in me with certain phrases he uses naturally. His reaction suggests that he is not aware of their significance.

I realise now that this was happening by looking back at some of my reactions. I was devastatingly distressed by making mistakes. To be told I had caused problems, that I had written or said the wrong things provoked a deep visceral reaction… I felt sick and couldn’t stop sobbing.

For a while this paralysed me around him. Instinctively I dealt with it by creating two very different players in the game - as one persona I am confident and managing - I call myself Bossy Boots. This character works because I distance myself from him. The other persona has an overtly sexual name and flirts.

Where this will go I have no idea; the light bulb only lit up today.

Where am I now? Discovering that my submissiveness is not purely sexual is very threatening. Although I think I could entrust my life to him.

How do I feel? There is a connection between us. I think he is one of Life's Guides - there is something spiritual about him.

Am I besotted? Hell! No!

Is the connection both cerebral and sexual? Hell! Yes!