Increasingly I find shafts of light in understanding my submissiveness. This image shows how I feel right now.

A solid silver bangle shows how I’m shackled by my sexuality to behaving submissively. It is a constant reminder, as if I needed one….. it bangs on the shower door when I reach for the soap, it feels warm to the touch if my other hand brushes my wrist when I pull down my sleeve.

I see men noticing it and then they seem to look at me speculatively; women just smile knowingly and I smile back. They will know, if they are as deeply submissive as I, that any dominant person regardless of their gender will have the trigger to control me.

And what I can be controlled to do seems to be getting more natural…. I don’t need to be made to do anything anymore… I seem to want to ……. It seems that I might be initiating things….. but I can’t be…. that’s not how submissiveness works.

So the impetus for me comes from a thought, a wish, a remark, a comment……

The latest idea….. I’m in a wine bar, sitting on a high stool, chatting to the person serving. I’m sipping a glass of cold white wine. A palm brushes my throat from behind and I’m drawn back into your body. I lean back against you, knowing you will balance me

You breathe in my ear as you cup my throat in your hand. You whisper, “Relax!” and I lean further into your chest, completely surrendering my support to you.
You run your other hand up my thigh and my legs drift apart as the sensation communicates itself to my core. The wrap around skirt I’m wearing parts and the two sides drop away to reveal my legs and knickers. There is a rustle of interest around us as people notice what I’m revealing and whisper to draw others’ attention.

You slip your fingers under the elastic of my knickers and run the tips along the exposed flesh of my tummy. My legs spread further, this is such a delicious feeling. You gently reach down and pull aside my knickers to reveal my sex. I see people looking and this makes me shudder and shudder and moan.
“Taste yourself,” you whisper. I slip two fingers fully into my slit and put them, dripping, into my mouth. There is a buzz of anticipation and that pushes me further towards the edge.

I murmur, “Please, please?” You grip my throat a little more firmly and that is the answer to my request. I groan and arch my hips up to meet my fingers. I rub my clit, slowly at first and then faster, spurred on by the gathering crowd of spectators, inching ever closer.

You hold me firmly as I shudder and jolt, making sure I stay on the stool. You kiss me softly behind the ear and this finally helps me cum. I whimper as my orgasm hits and the juice floods out onto the seat between my legs.

As the shudders lessen you swing my seat around and enfold me in your arms and gentle me to your chest. I shiver and burrow closer, safe and released at last.

We are out for the evening and just before we go into the bar you stop. We pause in a doorway and you slip your hand around my throat. Your hand grips me firmly but my airflow is not impeded.

I breathe faster; you can feel this as I’m being held against you. You whisper a question in my ear, “How do you feel?”

Before I can answer I am overwhelmed with emotion, I shiver and tears roll down my cheeks.

I sob my answer, “Safe, I feel so safe….”

And then I shudder and groan.. I have been hit by the most amazing arousal and my knickers are instantly soaked. I arch back against you .

You whisper again, “Yes, feel it, go with it…….”



…………………..Being submissive is a mind blowing roller coaster ride

I know that I should have been more attentive to your messages…… but today I was a bit distracted and now I know that I may have displeased you.

If I’m honest, I’m rather aroused by the thought that you might walk through the door at any moment and ask me to hand you the cane. Part of me desires contact… any contact… not that I want to be beaten, but even being struck is having attention paid to me.

But part of me wants to be hurt,

to jump at the shock of the welts, to experience the sting of broken skin;

to feel the softness of your tongue gathering the blood, the silken caress of the healing balm;

to be gentled after the punishment and to be taken to screaming orgasm….

You have told me to sit in the chair by the window. I have my eyes closed. I hear the door open and close and I strain to work out how many people have entered the room.

Is it you or someone else?

No sounds except gentle breathing. I shudder as I feel breath above my breasts, the air as it cools stiffens my nipples.

I shift on the chair, my legs opening involuntarily as I feel finger nails running down my breasts. My nipples are pinched gently and then harder, that makes me moan slightly as I shudder again.

Is it you or someone else?

The touching continues, down across my tummy, brushing my mound and stroking my inner thighs. I arch up my hips to increase the sensation.

I feel my hair being lifted off my neck and a tongue gently caress the skin behind my ear. The tongue carries on down my neck and kisses me at the point where my neck meets the middle of my chest.

I inhale and can smell….. a very faint trace… is it eau de toilette, soap…. Not sure, in a way that makes it more arousing… Is it you, or are you just watching?

I moan, I need to be stroked now….my sex is soaking, literally… I whimper and plead…”Please, please, fuck me,” I beg.

My pleading is ignored…having to beg increases my arousal. I can feel the juice oozing between my labia and onto the chair.

I feel my leg being pinched hard….. I twitch… it means I shouldn’t be begging as that is impolite and sluttish.

The stroking continues, always shying away from my sex at the last minute. I’m so aroused and frustrated now that I shudder continuously.

An unfamiliar voice whispers, “You have to cum, don’t you?” I whimper in reply. Again a whisper, “Do you want me to make you cum?”

“Yes,” I whisper in response… shuddering, so humiliated that I have been begging a complete stranger.

Again the voice questions……. “Even though I might be filming you for my friends?”

“Yes,” I groan, “oh yes.”

I wish you would say something…… I have to know I please you….

Are you there or am I alone with the stranger?

I’m waiting, I’m not allowed to look to see if you are coming as that is against the rules.

I never know when you will arrive, I wait here as it is less painful than trying to distract myself.

I’m aroused, I aways am if I think you are coming. My nipples ache, I press my legs together to divert my mind from focusing on how wet I’m getting.

When you arrive I will leave the window to stand in front of you. You sit and watch me. You ask me to touch myself and I gently scratch my nipples and this makes me moan. I run my fingernails down my tummy and slip a finger into my slit.

I’m not allowed to touch my clit until you give permission, you nod and I sigh. I gently rub my clit, you look at me closely to see how wet I’m getting. Your close attention makes me shudder. You tell me to rub my clit and stroke my breasts…… it feels so good and I can’t help groaning.

As you watch I get really aroused, I’m so close, I want to cum. I whimper…..

You beckon and I approach and I know you want me to sit on your lap. You put your arm around me and kiss my neck softly, I writhe on your thighs. You twist my nipples just a little harder than usual and that makes me shudder. You slip a couple of fingers up my vagina, with no preamble, and I immediately convulse on them.

You whisper in my ear, “Cum now, writhe on my fingers, let me feel you.” That is the trigger that sends me over the edge……

Still placing myself in danger

I really feel sometimes that I have found the answers and other times that they are just out of reach and that even if I stretch I will never get them.

Case in point… when I last wrote I was feeling optimistic that I was beginning to understand what being submissive meant in my terms…. for someone with my personality traits.

But the events of the week following that last post show how tenuous that understanding was….how I hadn’t learnt to recognise the danger signals.

My arousal fluctuates in cycles, presumably it is driven by my hormones.. but there doesn’t seem to be an identifiable pattern linked to anything. This is also no help… if I could predict when I was likely to be at my most aroused then I would stop communicating until the peak had passed.

But I don’t and that is where all this kicks off….. and I still shudder, in a bad way, when I revisit what I have done….

None of this was planned, anticipated or welcomed……… I can’t even identify what it was that made me so aroused but there I was, hanging by my fingernails, longing for someone to hear me orgasm……… and, because I equate pleasing people with being accepted, I allowed someone access to my private world.

Unfortunately, it was as exciting as I thought it would be….. it wasn’t telephone sex…. it was me performing to an audience…. hopefully of only one person….. but I’m not even sure of that.

I felt horrendous afterwards, although the sky didn’t fall……but a bit of me longs to do that again.

Hopefully that’s another lesson learned…. but I do wish they weren’t so bloody painful and achieved at such a high personal cost.

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier to give it all up….. trouble is my libido refuses to stay down!

Ho hum……

A revealing journey

Writing as myself here is something I haven’t done for a while and I’m feeling really self conscious.

I have moved on a long way in my journey towards discovering who I am sexually and that is thanks to the generous efforts of people I have met through Literotica.
What started as a tentative exploration of bi-sexuality has become a full blown, no holds barred experience of submission.

My mentors on the journey….
Initially I believed that I should be trying to find a woman who would guide me through all the questions whose answers would reveal if I were bi-sexual, which would then signal what I might do next… open a series of doors.

The stages of that initial journey I recorded faithfully at the beginning of this blog… it was here that I met M, whose help and support opened my eyes to the whole dominant/submissive world… single-handedly she has been the inspiration that has guided me every since… her warnings have saved me from certain harm. It was not until I realised the extent of the issues I faced that I understood just how timely her advice was…. more of that later…

Writing the stories here was my way of exploring my sexual fantasies….. I met some men on Literotica who shaped that journey… some positively, others negatively. The women I’ve met have all made generous and real contributions.
What happened and where it took me is clear now, with 20:20 hindsight. I’m open to criticism that I was naïve… this is certainly true; I was, but in my defence I would argue that the naivety was a direct result of my sexual condition.
I pursued options that were very risky, avoiding some traps before I fell prey to them…… telephone sex for example; running headlong into others, attracted by the promise of trust and respect and, at long last, answers.
Some guys whose fantasies I explored for myself and turned into stories, proved themselves to be as warm, caring and generous as the women…. I note Laurent and Bob in the category. Laurent in particular has been with me all the way….. checking up on me, making me laugh, wrapping me in his concern.

The biggest mistake I made was to ignore the warning signs from previous offline relationships….. being controlled by others’ actions…… in my offline life I have had relationships with controlling men… who haven’t wanted me to wear makeup, who didn’t want me to have particular friends, hobbies that didn’t involve them…… And I fell straight into that trap… in return for what I believed was the chance to write collaboratively…… all the usual crap I counsel my sisters to avoid….. you know the lines….. ‘my wife doesn’t love me’, ‘my life isn’t going the way I want it to’, ‘I love the way you……’

And this is the really stupid thing…… I stopped writing creatively, I ceased contributing to sexual roles plays, except those with him… because he was uncomfortable with me doing it……. how pathetic was that?
It wasn’t until he started making excuses about not answering emails and messages that I realised what a fool I had been.

But it has been an important learning point on my journey… because I was suddenly aware of the possible link between my personality, the mistakes I had made and my sexual being.

I can’t say that, armed with this understanding, I planned the next stage of the exploration… because it didn’t happen that way.. true to form I stumbled into the next revelation… but this at least looks as though it might have a happier outcome.

I started to write about themes that I explored very early on… what one person called ‘my dark side’; humiliation, control and arousal. Interestingly there are many men on Literotica who find this attractive, I have been contacted by several.

Broadly these seem to fall into two camps, the demanding and rather crude approach that seems completely out of touch with the real world….. wanting slaves who will do literally anything sexual with and for these guys…..a completely one side game… their side; and these guys get aggressive and/or abusive if any of their wants are challenged. Not surprisingly I haven’t maintained contact with any of them.

The other camp has far fewer inhabitants… men who understand that their partners have needs and rights. It is through these interactions that I have learnt that I’m deeply submissive.. my offline friends will not recognise this at all… I’m successful and assertive, I fight for equality; but that’s because I have successfully hidden my submissiveness in a work world.

It only comes to light when I look at some of the unsuccessful relationships I’ve had and the alarming inability to say ‘No’… which made virtually every conference, night out, party, a regretted and usually unfulfilled sexual experience.

Now I have discovered that being controlled in a situation where I can trust the other person is deeply sexually arousing and fulfilling and it works with both men and women. To date it is all head stuff, virtual interactions… I have a lot more work to do on my offline sexual encounters to make them as exciting. But I understand how to start to go about it….. at last.

I’m not sure what we will do with what we are writing….. not got there yet…..