A revealing journey

Writing as myself here is something I haven’t done for a while and I’m feeling really self conscious.

I have moved on a long way in my journey towards discovering who I am sexually and that is thanks to the generous efforts of people I have met through Literotica.
What started as a tentative exploration of bi-sexuality has become a full blown, no holds barred experience of submission.

My mentors on the journey….
Initially I believed that I should be trying to find a woman who would guide me through all the questions whose answers would reveal if I were bi-sexual, which would then signal what I might do next… open a series of doors.

The stages of that initial journey I recorded faithfully at the beginning of this blog… it was here that I met M, whose help and support opened my eyes to the whole dominant/submissive world… single-handedly she has been the inspiration that has guided me every since… her warnings have saved me from certain harm. It was not until I realised the extent of the issues I faced that I understood just how timely her advice was…. more of that later…

Writing the stories here was my way of exploring my sexual fantasies….. I met some men on Literotica who shaped that journey… some positively, others negatively. The women I’ve met have all made generous and real contributions.
What happened and where it took me is clear now, with 20:20 hindsight. I’m open to criticism that I was naïve… this is certainly true; I was, but in my defence I would argue that the naivety was a direct result of my sexual condition.
I pursued options that were very risky, avoiding some traps before I fell prey to them…… telephone sex for example; running headlong into others, attracted by the promise of trust and respect and, at long last, answers.
Some guys whose fantasies I explored for myself and turned into stories, proved themselves to be as warm, caring and generous as the women…. I note Laurent and Bob in the category. Laurent in particular has been with me all the way….. checking up on me, making me laugh, wrapping me in his concern.

The biggest mistake I made was to ignore the warning signs from previous offline relationships….. being controlled by others’ actions…… in my offline life I have had relationships with controlling men… who haven’t wanted me to wear makeup, who didn’t want me to have particular friends, hobbies that didn’t involve them…… And I fell straight into that trap… in return for what I believed was the chance to write collaboratively…… all the usual crap I counsel my sisters to avoid….. you know the lines….. ‘my wife doesn’t love me’, ‘my life isn’t going the way I want it to’, ‘I love the way you……’

And this is the really stupid thing…… I stopped writing creatively, I ceased contributing to sexual roles plays, except those with him… because he was uncomfortable with me doing it……. how pathetic was that?
It wasn’t until he started making excuses about not answering emails and messages that I realised what a fool I had been.

But it has been an important learning point on my journey… because I was suddenly aware of the possible link between my personality, the mistakes I had made and my sexual being.

I can’t say that, armed with this understanding, I planned the next stage of the exploration… because it didn’t happen that way.. true to form I stumbled into the next revelation… but this at least looks as though it might have a happier outcome.

I started to write about themes that I explored very early on… what one person called ‘my dark side’; humiliation, control and arousal. Interestingly there are many men on Literotica who find this attractive, I have been contacted by several.

Broadly these seem to fall into two camps, the demanding and rather crude approach that seems completely out of touch with the real world….. wanting slaves who will do literally anything sexual with and for these guys…..a completely one side game… their side; and these guys get aggressive and/or abusive if any of their wants are challenged. Not surprisingly I haven’t maintained contact with any of them.

The other camp has far fewer inhabitants… men who understand that their partners have needs and rights. It is through these interactions that I have learnt that I’m deeply submissive.. my offline friends will not recognise this at all… I’m successful and assertive, I fight for equality; but that’s because I have successfully hidden my submissiveness in a work world.

It only comes to light when I look at some of the unsuccessful relationships I’ve had and the alarming inability to say ‘No’… which made virtually every conference, night out, party, a regretted and usually unfulfilled sexual experience.

Now I have discovered that being controlled in a situation where I can trust the other person is deeply sexually arousing and fulfilling and it works with both men and women. To date it is all head stuff, virtual interactions… I have a lot more work to do on my offline sexual encounters to make them as exciting. But I understand how to start to go about it….. at last.

I’m not sure what we will do with what we are writing….. not got there yet…..