Still placing myself in danger

I really feel sometimes that I have found the answers and other times that they are just out of reach and that even if I stretch I will never get them.

Case in point… when I last wrote I was feeling optimistic that I was beginning to understand what being submissive meant in my terms…. for someone with my personality traits.

But the events of the week following that last post show how tenuous that understanding was….how I hadn’t learnt to recognise the danger signals.

My arousal fluctuates in cycles, presumably it is driven by my hormones.. but there doesn’t seem to be an identifiable pattern linked to anything. This is also no help… if I could predict when I was likely to be at my most aroused then I would stop communicating until the peak had passed.

But I don’t and that is where all this kicks off….. and I still shudder, in a bad way, when I revisit what I have done….

None of this was planned, anticipated or welcomed……… I can’t even identify what it was that made me so aroused but there I was, hanging by my fingernails, longing for someone to hear me orgasm……… and, because I equate pleasing people with being accepted, I allowed someone access to my private world.

Unfortunately, it was as exciting as I thought it would be….. it wasn’t telephone sex…. it was me performing to an audience…. hopefully of only one person….. but I’m not even sure of that.

I felt horrendous afterwards, although the sky didn’t fall……but a bit of me longs to do that again.

Hopefully that’s another lesson learned…. but I do wish they weren’t so bloody painful and achieved at such a high personal cost.

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier to give it all up….. trouble is my libido refuses to stay down!

Ho hum……