Going back to the start of my blog has been something of a shock…….. I was so naïve last year, the things I considered so far out and deviant seem, well, rather vanilla now.

Even realising that has been a revelation…..what does it say about my sexual needs and even about my sexuality?

I have a very dark core… by dark I mean there is a streak running through my psyche that is masochism, pure and simple.

I have begun to apply that analysis to the fantasies that have always been with me, the tested and true…the comfortable glove that always works when I seek release.

The verdict?

All of my fantasies have a very dark thread that involves me being deeply humiliated by one or more people, put in embarrassing situations and often made to do things to people whose personal hygiene and habits would normally disgust me. The thing I have always known is that being put in these situations is deeply arousing, just the thought of it has the power to make me shudder uncontrollably.

The masochism is interesting…..Anita Philips in her book, A Defence of Masochism, notes: “masochism’s final, unexpected message is to forget yourself’.
The essence here is the subsuming of one’s will into that of another. The masochist does not act on her own behalf, does not occupy a space of responsibility but rather occupies such a space within another person.
As she moves closer to negating the experience of her own subjectivity, maybe in the throes of a controlled orgasm, the masochist comes ever closer to herself as an object.

This is not to say I become an object in the state of extreme sexual arousal, but rather that my reality turns virtual as I become a construct within another person’s sexual activity.

I’m me, but then I’m not me……the debased slut or whore that I become when begging to cum is not someone I recognise, it is almost as though I am a character in a video game.

How does this work? The switch happens if I become very aroused; when the other person describes what is being done to my alter-ego or issues instructions about what my other self should do.
In this state I am unable to explain what is happening to me, I am unable to behave rationally; I whisper, beg and act as if I’m the being the other person has created to satisfy their sexual desires. The person I am in real life no longer exists.

This is not about being tied up and tortured, what most people would consider to be masochism; it is the surrender of one’s will, the mental state that Philips refers to.

How far might it go? I really have no idea, I haven’t yet found a fantasy in this genre that doesn’t work, if it meets the conditions above.