Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Being described as an enigma took me by surprise… Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde and I understood the reference.
That I'm two women is much clearer to me now and, interestingly, there are very few people who see the two. Not even to my closest offline friends are there glimpses of the recently discovered submissive. But to one - a very new friend - both sides regularly appear and, worryingly, I can switch instantly between both personas.
I say 'worryingly' since the professional me - capable, skilled, assertive, professional, intelligent - is my safe zone where I am in control.
I'm not even sure this person is aware of how easily he can make me switch… it is just as well he is halfway round the world… to be that vulnerable is scary.
What is even more frightening, in a way, is that the trigger is not sexual. We have talked about personal values, films, strategies for the computer game we are playing and "BAM" I turn from someone with the brain the size of a planet (!) … superwoman into a gibbering idiot who has difficulty shutting the door on her own.
My only way of coping is to find some banal excuse to terminate the conversation.
What is the explanation? I feel a bond with this person; we have things in common - we share a propensity for completely misinterpreting what the other has said. We seem both to be sensitive souls who care deeply about our values.
Where is this taking me?
I had been puzzled by his reactions to some of my remarks and requests; worried about how I interacted with him…the Jekyll and Hyde thing is a light bulb moment.
As a submissive my main goal is to please. I realise that he triggered the submissive in me with certain phrases he uses naturally. His reaction suggests that he is not aware of their significance.
I realise now that this was happening by looking back at some of my reactions. I was devastatingly distressed by making mistakes. To be told I had caused problems, that I had written or said the wrong things provoked a deep visceral reaction… I felt sick and couldn’t stop sobbing.
For a while this paralysed me around him. Instinctively I dealt with it by creating two very different players in the game - as one persona I am confident and managing - I call myself Bossy Boots. This character works because I distance myself from him. The other persona has an overtly sexual name and flirts.
Where this will go I have no idea; the light bulb only lit up today.
Where am I now? Discovering that my submissiveness is not purely sexual is very threatening. Although I think I could entrust my life to him.
How do I feel? There is a connection between us. I think he is one of Life's Guides - there is something spiritual about him.
Am I besotted? Hell! No!
Is the connection both cerebral and sexual? Hell! Yes!
Saturday, 19 February 2011
I am conflicted, truly and deeply conflicted now.
For the first time I have opened myself up to another person in a really deep way. The account of this experience is posted on another blog, mainly because I feel a deep seated need to distance my head from the rest of me..... Ok, yes I can say it now... from my cunt.
Please don't judge me too harshly.......
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
This new year marks what seems to be another stage in my learning.
There are two aspects to this; I have gained insight into some of the cultural aspects of why I do and feel what I do; I have also had some experiences that have opened a window on other people and why they do what they do.
My thanks to my friend Lori for asking a question and providing a link to a debate that struck a chord… this led to my first revelation.
Hugo Schwyzer explores why women, young ones in particular, are still allowing themselves to be exploited; why there is still guilt and conflict associated with sexuality when feminism has changed opportunities for women.
My initial reaction to this was “Doh!…..” because we still live in a male dominated society.
Growing up, looking sexy equated with being a slut......something no-one wanted to be....so I never was....never did wear the shortest skirt, show any cleavage etc. But as soon as the pill was available it was virtually impossible for a submissive like me to say No... so every male I met who wanted to fuck me, did.
So conferences, nights out, parties and holidays were a nightmare of feeling obligated to have unsatisfactory sex. And I didn't enjoy it...penetrative sex still is not something that works although maybe the Rabbit will alter that...
I agree that turning back the clock will not solve the problem... guilt as a means of social control will never be the answer; but empowering girls through having open and honest discussions about sex, sexuality and love might enable them to see they have a choice and the right to make that choice and not be pilloried for it.
So the learning…. being a feminist doesn’t stop one from feeling guilty…. in my normal life being a slut still is the pits, in my sex life it is the one thing that now releases the orgasms and makes me whole.
That brings me to the other discovery… something about the really dark side of me and what that reveals in other people. I have a very deep urge to put myself in situations that pose a considerable risk … to my health, safety and maybe even sanity. So far this has been on-line but the potential for psychological damage is real.
Deep inside I want to be raped as this act represents to me the ultimate form of control one person has over another.
Apart from the obvious links to masochism and self harming why should this be so risky, particularly when viewed alongside some of the BDSM practices?
I suppose the answer to that is twofold, some people find the reactions produced by deep humiliation to be very powerful and hearing someone sobbing either brings out the nurturing or the sadistic side of the instigator.
I use the term instigator deliberately as it is the dominant in this relationship that creates the conditions.
I’m not sure why men find sobbing arousing, but it must be a function of a sadistic streak in them.
I have been crying as a reaction to something that has been released, something very deep. My guess would be that it is connected with the realisation that there is an answer, a solution.
It is too soon to know what the answer is, but there’s one thing I’m very aware of now…….
I need to be clear about the motives and drivers of the other person. The situations that lead up to the sobbing are so arousing that I’m in danger of becoming addicted…therein lies the risk.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Now I’m seeking a new map, one that will help me navigate the confusing path to my inner slut where I become the object of the other person’s desire that takes me to amazing sexual heights.
Someone said today that the only dungeon I need is one created in my mind… I agree. I drift into arousal and in that state I seek images and ideas that will help me express my feelings….. it isn’t shackles or chains, I look at the elaborate arrangements where ropes deform breasts and penetrate labia and they frighten me.. they represent a form of punishment that has nothing to do with pleasure, a cruelty divorced from tenderness.
But then I think about what really frightens… and therein maybe lies the key….. to me torture is silence, punishment is disapproval.. so instead of seeing myself suspended by ropes, or encased in rubber… I see a woman with her head lowered almost to the level of the other person’s foot…. I’m entreating that person….I’m begging for their approval.
The desperate thing…. and yes, it is a feeling of desperation…… the desperate thing is I cannot tell them….. I have to wait…. Until they notice me, until they say what they want, until they tell me what to beg for….. to please them…..
The other thing someone pointed out is that for me being a whore is a state of mind…..so the challenge is not to imprison me but release the whore….
I sense the answer to both puzzles….. being able to communicate what switches on my submissiveness and unleashes the whore lies in the other person….I have to wait to be noticed… the silence is the torture that brings me to the point of desperation; I will beg for anything to avoid the punishment of being ignored.
The other images… brought to my mind by these words……
I am alone, I know I cannot move…. I’m unable to see if anyone is there, in a position of supplication….. no sound but my own breathing, no sensation but the fluttering of my pulse in my neck…. I might as well be wearing a rubber mask, chained to a ring in the wall, in a soundproofed room, but the chains are invisible, the prison created by my fear of rejection.
I am conflicted by the thought of punishment……on the one hand I need to be punished or tortured so I am aroused by the urge to beg, so is it associated with pleasure or pain?…if I’m ignored…. Is it cruelty or tenderness?
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Going back to the start of my blog has been something of a shock…….. I was so naïve last year, the things I considered so far out and deviant seem, well, rather vanilla now.
Even realising that has been a revelation…..what does it say about my sexual needs and even about my sexuality?
I have a very dark core… by dark I mean there is a streak running through my psyche that is masochism, pure and simple.
I have begun to apply that analysis to the fantasies that have always been with me, the tested and true…the comfortable glove that always works when I seek release.
All of my fantasies have a very dark thread that involves me being deeply humiliated by one or more people, put in embarrassing situations and often made to do things to people whose personal hygiene and habits would normally disgust me. The thing I have always known is that being put in these situations is deeply arousing, just the thought of it has the power to make me shudder uncontrollably.
The masochism is interesting…..Anita Philips in her book, A Defence of Masochism, notes: “masochism’s final, unexpected message is to forget yourself’.
The essence here is the subsuming of one’s will into that of another. The masochist does not act on her own behalf, does not occupy a space of responsibility but rather occupies such a space within another person.
As she moves closer to negating the experience of her own subjectivity, maybe in the throes of a controlled orgasm, the masochist comes ever closer to herself as an object.
This is not to say I become an object in the state of extreme sexual arousal, but rather that my reality turns virtual as I become a construct within another person’s sexual activity.
I’m me, but then I’m not me……the debased slut or whore that I become when begging to cum is not someone I recognise, it is almost as though I am a character in a video game.
How does this work? The switch happens if I become very aroused; when the other person describes what is being done to my alter-ego or issues instructions about what my other self should do.
In this state I am unable to explain what is happening to me, I am unable to behave rationally; I whisper, beg and act as if I’m the being the other person has created to satisfy their sexual desires. The person I am in real life no longer exists.
This is not about being tied up and tortured, what most people would consider to be masochism; it is the surrender of one’s will, the mental state that Philips refers to.
How far might it go? I really have no idea, I haven’t yet found a fantasy in this genre that doesn’t work, if it meets the conditions above.
Thursday, 2 September 2010
I was struck by a quote I came across recently…… I have been thinking about the separation between love and lust, affection and sex mainly because I think I have discovered that submissives have difficulty is distinguishing between the two…..the need to belong and the need to be owned feels the same to me. A real problem arises out of the inability to differentiate between belonging – affection and the desire to share one’s life – and being owned – sexual satisfaction in return for giving pleasure according to someone else’s direction.
Written like this the difference seems obvious, but it is the result of 20:20 hindsight – my reflection on the mistakes I have made in relationships… or rather trying to work out why those relationships didn’t work……the key factor was neediness…. I wanted those men to control me and they saw it as me being clingy….
Of course I never realised that it was a sexual neediness……that arose out of a high sex drive and I suspect that if they had recognised it then those relationships might have turned out very differently.
I was asked recently how many men I had given blow jobs to; my answer was to all of them…… and then I was asked about whether those men had enjoyed the experience and my immediate answer was….. “what’s not to enjoy having a sexual experience that is completely focused on oneself being pleasured”…. This apparently is a typically submissive response…
But back to the quotation….
The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual place, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognised feeling.
Recognising the power of the erotic in our lives can give us the energy to pursue genuine change within our world.
Of course, women so empowered are dangerous.
So we are taught to separate the erotic from the most vital areas of our lives other than sex.
This might seem to contradict my previous comments…. But I don’t think it does. At first sight submissives would appear to be powerless, but actually I don’t think they are….
It is our choice to give pleasure to another person…. in return for our own satisfaction, that is true…. But as I understand it, a dominant’s sexual satisfaction depends on and arises out of the effective control of the submissive’s orgasm. This isn’t a licence to deprive or withhold pleasure, it is in fact, just the opposite….. if I don’t have the orgasm then it shows the dominant doesn’t control or drive my arousal.
So how does this suggest that women are empowered, by the power of the erotic? Easy…. We control the knowledge about what turns us on….
We can share that with people who want to know it…… but people who aren’t interested in the knowing won’t ‘hear’ and so won’t control us….they will be unable to cause orgasms.
So where does that leave me now?
I’m actively seeking experiences that will push my envelope; I’m so much clearer now about what will work with me, so I don’t respond to “Hey, Sheila, do you fuck…..suck on this….” messages or adverts asking for “Slaves, Fucktoys or Sluts”. If someone gets nasty or abusive and bullying or is just plain selfish then I pull the plug.
It means that the experiences tend to be tantalisingly few….. but I rationalise that ….. mediocre sex is worse than no sex..
Monday, 5 July 2010
I am conscious that my sexual desires and my fantasies are reaching a deeper, darker level.
I want to be taken to places that normal people don’t go and there are hints that there are other individuals who will satisfy that need.
In this picture I’m very young, hardly formed, and yet I have been seduced and depraved.
This is my story…..
My mentor, as I shall call him, is a much older man that I respect and defer to automatically. How we met is irrelevant, suffice to say he has natural authority that gained my instant obedience.
I want to please him, to give him pleasure… he knows this and uses this desire to place me in situations where I will submit to humiliation in order to gain approval.
Through the journey my arousal has driven my degradation, I seek pain as it gives him pleasure… as an added fillip he makes me promise not to beg him to stop when the pain gets too intense…… I just tell him how much it hurts…..
He likes to see me cry… he rewards me with trinkets when I orgasm being humiliated by his friends……
I long to stop and yet I yearn to be taken to darker depths…… I don’t want to be a slut and yet I long to be his fucktoy.